Amanda's beautiful headstone was placed today...

How do I even begin to put down the emotions that this day brought?  

Today, the grief was as raw as it was in the beginning.  Right now, there is no getting easier.  There is no day that goes by that I am not overwhelmed with missing her.  

Today, Amanda's marker was placed.  And it felt like any healing my heart had done just broke all over again.  Reality came raining down on me with wicked ruthlessness and I lost it.  No parent should ever see their child's name on a grave marker. 

Amanda is buried in Lawler Cemetery behind Lawler Baptist Church.  Lawler is the church where my dad has been pastor for 30 years; the church where I was pianist for 17 years; the church where I met and married Tom, where we dedicated our children to God; where my dad baptized all seven of his grandchildren and where my daughter is buried.   You can see her grave from the beautiful Prayer Garden that is located on the hill behind the sanctuary.  My entire childhood is full of memories from Lawler.  Amanda even "tasted" Lawler the morning she died and said, "Such sweet memories." You know how you can smell something so strongly you can taste it?  That was how she described it.  

Lawler will always be a special and important place to our family.

It is beautiful. Heartbreakingly so.

After we left the cemetery, we went to Brandon's basketball game.  We walked in early and on the court was Amanda's classmates playing basketball.  Reality of the painful loss was once again so evident and painful it took my breath away.  We were just at Amanda's grave when we should have been at her basketball game. 

Tonight I am weary to the bone. You know me, music speaks to my soul.  So I'll close with the words from another song from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, Beauty Will Rise. This song expresses what my heart feels and my head knows better than I can at this moment.  

Our God Is In Control (click on the title to hear the song)
by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God 

While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
 

We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control