A post for my hurting heart...

I recently wrote in a letter:

Our generation needs to know that we can, and we will, suffer in this life. But as Christians, we can suffer well and in such a way that has people looking at our lives and see God shining and pouring out of our lives in spite of our circumstances.  

People need to hear of this precious child's first steps into Heaven. 

God is REAL and He continues to lead us as we take each step in our journey.

Every fiber of my being believes that.  And Amanda's last day on this earth is one of glorious joy and mercy but also gut wrenching heartbreak.   Oh how I wish it didn't hurt so bad.  As reality continues to wreck havoc in my life, it has been an extremely difficult week for me.  Over the past five months I have found certain "coping" mechanisms to get me through the days. (Mid-day naps being my favorite. I wake up from them emotionally rested as well as physically and am ready to face the rest of the day....just in case you were wondering.) There is only one thing that truly helps fight the panic and pain - and I'm talking an honest healing, not simply covering it with a band-aid or hiding it behind a mask, is to go back to God's promises. 

Let me quickly clarify that I am writing for my wounded heart, but I imagine somewhere in here is something that God can use to speak to you as well. 

While doing some catch up on my Beth Moore devotional this weekend, these points jumped out at me:

• The only way we are going to impact our generation is to prove that our faith in Christ is real and that it works.   (I mentioned that above in my letter.  For me, that seems to be total and complete transparency with you through our dealing with cancer and the loss of our daughter.)

•  God says His word is alive and powerful and I believe Him.  He also says His Word is powerful when it's in me.  Yes, me - a bundle of faults, fears and insecurities.  Just think!  My weakness is not strong enough to wound God's word.  Neither is yours.  God does his job.  He speaks to accomplish.  We don't have to make Him.  We just need to let Him.  (To this, I just have to say, "Thank you Jesus! No matter how weak I am..He is always stronger.")

• God can do what He says He can do precisely because He is who He says He is.  His many titles describe His ability.  As Savior, He saves; as Deliverer, He delivers; as Redeemer, He redeems; as Master, He assumes authority; as Bread of Life, He provides; and as Almighty, He exerts divine strength.  (Totally trustworthy - He is who He says He is.)

The word of God is living and effective and sharper than any two-edged sword....It is a judge of the ideas and thoughts of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

• In some seasons, for example, He demands everything we've got - times when we feel like our life depends on it, times when we can't even think about tomorrow because we don't know how on earth we're going to live through today.  (Feels like every day lately.....)

May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.  Colossians 1:11

But this one....this one broke me and left me speechless:

• I want my children to love God.  I want them to love His word and discover the life, healing and power within it.  I want them to love people and treat them with compassion and kindness. But more than anything on this earth - tears fill my eyes as I write this - I want glory to come to God through them. (emphasis mine) I want a thousand things for my children, and I ask without hesitation, but I want nothing more than that God would be glorified.  Life is just a breath.  All that will matter forever in our heavenly state is the glory that came to God through their lives and ours.  (Complete, painfully beautiful truth for our family.)
  

Every day, when I wake up and I don't want to face the day, I remember that I have a son on the verge of manhood.  I have a husband that has stood beside me for the past seventeen years through the good and the bad.  And even as we grieve the death of our daughter, we still have a purpose here.  Daily we must continue to encourage Brandon on the path he is already blazing down - I want glory to come to God through Brandon's life.   

That reminds me daily that even in my suffering, I must suffer in such a way that will bring God glory.  

How can I expect Brandon to cling to his faith as he grows and faces challenges if he doesn't see his mom trusting and standing firm in God's goodness and mercy in her darkest hour?  

I and incredibly humbled and thankful for God's new mercies each morning and an abundance of provisions for that day that I can lean into and depend on as I continue to pick my way down this rocky path called grief.

 

Philippians 2:14-16

Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.
 
A year ago, yet feels like yesterday: 
With the MRI coming up next week**, it is hard not to look at Amanda without amazement at how well she is doing and an anticipation of what the scans will show.  At the same time and sometimes in the same breath, it is hard not to let fears and concerns sweep down and settle in my thoughts.  It is days like today, and the pictures below, that help combat those fears and remind me of my little fighter and the answered prayers we have already seen in her life.
**(the MRI where the tumor was declared inactive)


These pictures were a year ago this week:

"Cherish who she was, and celebrate who she is." 

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.