I made two comments in my last post that I would like to go a little deeper with because they tie together so importantly in this crazy life I am living. From day one I have tried to be brutally honest and transparent in this blog. I feel the need to clarify and share what is on my heart in case I have ever painted an inaccurate picture of who I am and what I feel. Yes, I really do always come back to thanking God for the blessings in my life and I work hard at staying positive. But there are those days...
So grab a cup of coffee and find a good reading spot. It's a long one today.
There are two particular statements have been rolling around my mind since I last posted and I felt the need to revisit them and share....so bear with me as I unpack my thoughts today.
"Even with cancer, even with the emotions, fear and uncertainty that goes along with it, I can honestly say life is good."
"I'm so thankful for the foundation of faith that goes back to my childhood."
I'll begin with that first statement, "life is good." Sounds crazy to say while my daughter is fighting brain cancer, I know, but hear me out.
Let me start off by saying I hate cancer. It is a terrible, heartbreaking and destructive disease. Each case is different, each person is different. Our paths with this disease might start out at the same place with a cancer diagnosis, but from there we each go our own way and fight our own fight. This is my child, my baby girl, with cancer. No matter how much I try to honestly share my thoughts and emotions, I won't ever be able to accurately describe what having a child with brain cancer is like and how it changes life as you know it, forever. It goes too deep and is too strong for words.
As I have said numerous times before, I am an emotional person. I am a crier. When I am happy, sad, mad, nervous, frustrated, you name it and the tears are never far behind those emotions and I don't hide it well. Bless my husband's heart. I have gotten better with age, but oh my - I still sometimes feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions in my mind set to warp speed. Add cancer to that mix and oy vey. (In case you don't speak fluent Yiddish, that translates as 'Woe is me.')
Since I am being painfully honest, my deepest fear, and this goes back to my childhood, is losing someone that I love before I am ready. I know that is not a very rational fear, because we are never promised tomorrow and that is something out of our control, but there it is. The hard part is that now I walk with that fear right in front of my face every day and it takes constant awareness and faith to not be consumed by it. (This is when the "background music" of my constant prayers come into the picture.) God has given me the solid footing I need to face that fear and deal with it, but man, what an exhausting mental battle it has been over these past fifteen months. Having said that, the beautiful side of it is that my faith has grown and my trust has deepened. Beauty from the ashes.
Now let me talk about my need for control. If there has been one thing that has been a repeat struggle, it is my need to plan and schedule life. Cancer has stolen that ability from me and it has been a wall that I push against again and again. It felt like the last piece of 'control' I had, and even that has been taken away. It sometimes reminds me of a parent taking a toy away from their toddler because they keep managing to hit themselves in the face with it. The tantrum that follows is exactly how I feel sometimes. I want to stomp my foot and belligerently, tearfully demand that I get my calendar back. Silly, isn't it? We have all seen how well that one has worked out over the last fifteen months....
The love and support we have received, and are still receiving is too amazing. I don't have enough words to say how grateful and touched we are by the generosity shown to our family. This has been a very long journey, both in time and in emotion, yet you have stuck with us. You have continued to bless us in so many ways that I wonder how in the world you are not tired of us!! For goodness sakes, I'm tired of us! Time and time again you assure me that Team Watson is still in your prayers. For that alone, I am forever grateful. Then there are the material gifts that you have blessed us with and continue to bless our family with allowing us to make memories we otherwise never would have been able to experience. The love that has been poured out over the last fifteen months has been soaked up and enjoyed to the fullest. Saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like it is enough.
I am so tired. I'm tired of everything - of us, of cancer, of the unknown...the list could go on and on. It is more emotional than physical these days, but every day I wake up and thank God for His new mercies for that day. I don't have the ability to do it on my own. I want our "normal" life back. Cancer is something that once it comes into your life, it never really goes away. That feeling of looking behind you to see if it is creeping up on you is always there, in the back of your mind. I think because of that, the importance of living day by day becomes a necessity. And that is where the "life is good" part comes in. Learning to only live in the day, not worry about what tomorrow may bring, or those future MRI results and simply staying in this day allows me to focus on my family and live life fully. At the end of the day, the blessings that we experience are abundant. You learn to see them everywhere and whether that is baking cookies, folding clothes together, or taking a trip, you are thankful. And that is an amazing thing.
And now to my foundation. Many times you will hear someone say, "I can look back and see why things happened in my life for a reason." I have personally made that statement a number of times. Nothing can prepare you for the news we received a little over a year ago, but Tom and I can look over the last three years in our lives and see how God has been strengthening us for this experience.
But more important than any event or experience, it is our personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our foundation, that is the reason we can walk our path with joy and hope.
I can honestly say I have never questioned "Why?" For me personally, that is not a productive question. It is not worth the energy and emotion that goes with it. I may never know why, and that is okay. My goal in life is to glorify God in all that I say and do. My path changed and simply got a whole lot rockier on February 27, 2013, but my goal has never wavered.
I want God to use my family during this time to be a light on the hill. I want us to shine the light of Jesus Christ in the darkness no matter how ugly or hard life is. I never want anyone to think that I am oblivious to the reality of what we are dealing with. Far from it. I hurt, fear, cry and sometimes completely crumble. I crumble more often than I could put into words. But when that happens, praise God, I usually find myself flat on my face on my foundation. And it is there, on my foundation, that I am closer to God than before. His grace goes so deep, that even when I fall, I simply find myself deeper in His embrace, and life is good.
For us, we know of no other way to live life than to put our trust and faith in God and give Him all the glory. In all things. Even cancer.
Never Once by Matt Redman
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.
Psalm 20:7
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
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