Walk beside me....

Getting through the holidays while grief is fresh in your life has to be one of the most difficult things to maneuver through.  After "surviving" Thanksgiving, and now neck deep in Christmas, at times it feels like each day is simply overcoming and claiming victory.  After numerous conversations with my counselor, friends and co-workers, I realized that not only am I struggling during this time, but my friends and family around me are as well.

It got me thinking.  If the tables were turned, I imagine I would be fretting with how I could help you.  What could I do to make this burden a little lighter, this time a little easier?  I realize I am only speaking for myself.  I can't speak for anyone else that has gone through a loss of any kind and then found themselves smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.  I am simply speaking from my heart. 

We are in a season that is supposed to be full of thankfulness and joy; laughter and love; hope and celebration.  But when you are grieving the loss of a child in the middle of all of all those emotions and celebrations, the battle inside of you is unimaginable.

So how can you walk beside me and encourage and support me during this time?  Here are a few simple ways you can minister to me:

• Don't be afraid to talk to me about Amanda at anytime.  She is constantly in my thoughts and I love talking about her. 
• Don't feel like you have to talk about her.  Sounds contradicting, I know, but if it makes you uncomfortable, that is okay too, don't feel obligated.
• I appreciate it when you ask how I am doing.  I am getting really good at being honest, so be ready.  I don't bother with "Fine" when I'm really not.  If you don't want to hear that I am hurting at that moment, then it is better not to ask.
• Please feel free to ask how Brandon and Tom are doing.  I find it hard to speak for them because surprise, surprise - we are all wired very differently.  They are still grieving the loss of Amanda, and they tend to show it a little different than I do, but I can still give you an update.
• If I am not crying, please try not to cry.  It takes a lot of work to hold it together when I am out in public because the craziest things hit me and can bring on the tears - it often feels like a continual battle. (Seriously - I lost it the other day driving past the animal shelter remembering how much she was looking forward to volunteering there once she was old enough)  So if you feel the need to shed tears on my behalf, and the fact that you do really means a lot to me because it means that our story has touched you, try to wait until I walk away to let those tears fall.
• If I am crying, please feel free to cry along! Again - it shows that you are willing to step down into the pit of grief with me and feel the pain.  I know I am living every parent's nightmare.  I know that.  It is a scary place to be, so thank you for your willingness to walk with me.
• Last, but certainly not least, hugs and smiles are always good.  You don't have to say a word beyond hello.  Hugs and smiles are healing and therapeutic.  Friendship has been such an amazing tool that God has used to support me through this time.  I don't take that for granted.

If I may, let me continue to be frank with you - don't think for a minute that just because I may "look" okay (i.e. makeup, dressed nicely, hair fixed) that I have it all together.  I don't.  I am not this put together person that is sailing through this loss like Super Woman.  At times, but certainly not all the time, my insides are in pieces, and I feel as fragile as the beautiful glass Christmas ornament I recently made.  But you know what?  I'm not - I'm strong and with the foundation of my faith, the support and prayers of friends and family, I will survive this painful time and the days to come.....but it is not going to be easy.

At the Watson Thanksgiving, my sweet niece AJ did this.....Amanda sweetheart - you are never forgotten.

John 16:33

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Hmph.  I know that life isn't easy.  Life isn't supposed to be easy.  Jesus told us that very plainly.  Ouch.  But this is my daughter - my child.  And yes - once again, my faith jumps up and gets in my face:

John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
  
Like the words to the song by Jeremy Camp from a few posts back - He knows.  Better than anyone else, God knows exactly what I am feeling.  Better than even Tom, who is walking right beside me on this painful path.   Better than any other parent that has lost a child.  God knows the pain and heartbreak I am feeling every moment.  God watched His son crucified on the cross.  He gets what I am going through.

"True", you may say, "but you still have to go through each day and feel the loss and pain." 

Yes, I do.  But I don't face it alone.  Those moments when I am by myself, literally crying out in pain, tears flowing, heart breaking - I am still not alone.  

Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Romans 5:20
But where sin increased, grace increased all the more.

Sin in this world has dealt us a painful, wicked blow.  This is not right.  Amanda should not have faced cancer and died because of the terrible disease.  But she did.  And as we have gone through it all, just as Romans 5 says - His grace has increased.  We can face tomorrow because God is still good.   Right now, sometimes that is really hard to see, but I know it to be true.

As John Piper said in his sermon The Glory of God in the Sight of Eternity, which is also beautifully paired with Shane and Shane's song, "Though You Slay Me":  We opened Amanda's memorial service with this song.
"Your affliction is preparing [producing] for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
That is what I mean by saying every moment of your affliction is meaningful. It has meaning. It is doing something. Causing something. Bringing about something glorious.  You can’t see this. The world can’t see this. They think, and you are tempted to think, this suffering is meaningless. It’s not doing anything good. I can’t see any good coming out of this. That’s what you feel if you focus on the seen. To which Paul responds, look to the things that are unseen. The promise of God. Nothing in your pain is meaningless. It is all preparing. Working something. Producing something — a weight of glory, a special glory for you. Just for you because of that pain."

Hebrews 4:15-16

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

So even when I am at the bottom, I know to look up and have the confidence that He will be there to give me strength.  Even if that strength is simply to take the next breath....