Hope through the heartache

Thank you for the overwhelmingly supportive response to my last post!  Honesty, though painful, helps both myself and that person who stands in front of me figure out this path called grief.

At this time last year, we were in Montana on Amanda's Make A Wish trip.  (Part One) It was an amazing trip where so many precious memories were made.   I've enjoyed going back and looking at the pictures and remembering the unique experiences we were blessed with.

So here it is, a week from my birthday with Christmas right on it's tail, and at times I feel like I have put up this emotional wall to help me cope.  I think I have said this before, but sometimes shutting down and switching to autopilot is the easy way out.  While I was excited about the various "Amanda" Christmas gifts I had in mind to give to family, the continual looking at pictures and making of gifts has slowly chipped away at that protective wall and emotionally I am already worn out.  The memories and feelings can either take your breath away with the joy of the moment or break your heart with the unfairness of this life.  Christmas, and all the preparations and celebrations without her here, simply hurt.

This past week we attended a beautiful memorial service at the Gabriels Funeral Chapel.  It was a service in honor of those that have died in 2014.  A part of me didn't want to be there, but I knew we needed to be.    For just a moment, I put everything else aside and sat in a room full of other families grieving the loss of a loved one. As it turned out, it was a meaningful time for me. The care of love from those who work at the Gabriels has been a wonderful support system for my family. I'm so glad we went.

So, despite everything I just said, I have been thinking over the past few days that I am doing really well in regard to handling the pain and loss on a daily basis.  I have been able to laugh, find joy throughout the day, and focus on getting things done that need to be done.  In fact, I actually found myself stopping to realize that I was laughing and being goofy.  I love that.  I have no problem with being able to be happy.  There is no guilt there.  I am, however, extremely aware the delicate balance that grief is and I understand that it is only a "trigger" away from sucking the joy out of the moment.  Grief does not play fair.

Sunday worship services are very hard for me this month.  The Christmas decorations, the carols that we sing - they all make me miss her so much.  Church was always important family time for us.  When you are a close family of four for almost eleven years, the sudden family of three is a shock.  I still catch myself looking around for her, almost like she is lost or has lagged behind and needs to catch up. 

Today, the grief hit me hard and heavy.  It crushed me beneath the intensity of it all.  The memories were so incredibly vivid that it was heartbreaking, yet my mind would not stop replaying them.  I wanted to escape, but how can you escape your memories?  I don't WANT to escape my memories, I just wish they didn't hurt so much.  It wasn't until early afternoon that I was finally able to stop the tears.  A change of scenery and getting out and running errands helped to distract myself.  Plus, when you are in public, the constant crying is a little extreme for the people around me.  I don't mind the gentle tears in public, but today I would have caused alarm had I not got my act together......

The afternoon got better and so by the evening, I was back to normal, whatever that is.  Then this came in the mail:

I knew that the Dell clinic was using her photo for a publication, but I had no idea it was going to be the clinic brochure.  There she is.  So beautiful.  And the tears started again. 

How does one walk through this without completely coming undone?  That was what I kept asking myself as I looked at this picture and the ache was so strong for my child.  "How am I going to survive this?" 

Hope.

Those feelings of panic and pain can only be overcome by the hope that I have in knowing that she is in heaven.  It is real.  She told us.  She wasn't scared, she wasn't afraid to die, and she told us not to be sad.  (I haven't done a real good job at that last part, but I think I get a pass on that....)  So yes, there will continue to be days like today, but thankfully there will also be days that are filled with joy.  I'm waiting for the days of joy to start outweighing the days of pain.....

Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.

Romans 15:13   
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.