Our First Christmas, Part One

From December 29, 2013:
I don't know about you, but every year, before we have even packed away our Christmas decorations, I start thinking to next year.  I start planning on what I want to do better or different or maybe even planning on what gifts to buy. (Shocking, I know.)  This year, however, I fought against the urge to go there.  The unknown is so much scarier than the present for me at this point.  So amidst the celebration and laughter, all the joy and hope that is the season of Christmas, I remembered, and at times struggled, to stay focused on the here and now and enjoy each moment.  It was a wonderful Christmas.

When I wrote that last year, never in my wildest thoughts would I have imagined she wouldn't be here today.  Never.

As I sit here and wonder how to express what the last week and half has been like, all I can think is, "We made it."   That pretty much sums up my plan for getting through Christmas this year without Amanda....just to survive day by day.  Going into the Christmas holidays, I was very intentional about making this year a Christmas that Brandon could look back on with good memories, despite the grief and sadness we are all feeling.

Something my mom told me in the past week about Amanda was this,  "Cherish who she was, and celebrate who she is."   What an amazing encouragement and reminder for me on days when I am hurting so much.

We have been very busy so I am going to write two posts about our Christmas this year.  I'll start with the Smith and Watson family Christmas celebrations.


December 20 we celebrated Christmas with the Smith side of the family.  Amanda was very vocal about what we were to do, and my parents did a great job following her directions.  :)  There were plenty of tears, yet we all managed to include laughter and joy among them.  We had a present under the tree with her name on it that Brandon opened and shared with everyone, just like she told us to do.  Each cousin hung one of her ornaments, oldest to youngest, per her instructions. Sweet memories were shared as the pictures reminded us of years past.  Thus began new family traditions as we celebrated and remembered Amanda's life, including releasing balloons for Amanda's first Christmas in heaven. 

Hanging up Amanda's ornaments

Back in the summer I posted a picture of Amanda bottle feeding a deer.  This is Bambi.  She loves to be around when we are outside......until Ginger starts chasing her. 

No matter how fast she goes, Ginger is no match for Bambi.  It is hilarious to watch the two of them....

Christmas 2014

For each family on both sides, I made an "Amanda bag" that had a Christmas ornament with her picture in it, a beautiful photo magnet, special pictures from the past that were picked specifically for each family, the paper from her third grade journal that I shared in an earlier post, "Why I love Christmas" and then a CD.  On the CD was her favorite Christmas album (The Robertson's, Duck the Halls) and then a few songs from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, Beauty will Rise. (more on that later.)

December 28 we celebrated the Watson Christmas.  Another hard day.  December baby, or Leah as the rest of the family calls her, is doing wonderful and is such a beautiful baby.  I held her all morning, but then decided I had better share.  On the Watson side, our tradition is to sing carols, read Luke 2, the telling of Jesus birth, and then a prayer before we start the gifts.  I couldn't make it through the carols without crying.  We also sang the two songs we sang at Amanda's graveside - 'Leaning on the Everlasting Arms' and 'When We All Get to Heaven.'  Those totally did me in, but I loved that we remembered Amanda in that way.  Then came the presents.  Amanda never was shy about showing her enthusiasm when opening gifts. That was just one of the many things I loved about her and made the opening of gifts one of the things most difficult for me to sit through.  As the time of presents wound down, Tom handed out the "Amanda bags" for the Watson side.  I loved watching the families flip through the pictures and remember....

Big brother Jem watching Aunt Sandy! Hmm, already a protective big brother?

Sweet Grayson and Jem. 

Brandon reading from Luke 2.

Mer Mer and Jem.....Jem loves his cousins!

Maw Maw in a fierce game of Memory

This.  This right here.  The complete joy and surprise of a gift is so much fun to see as a parent.

The joy and chaos of eight grandchildren.  :)

Last minute, late night snuggles.  LOVE that Jem can see a picture of Amanda and say her name...

And this sweet girl loved watching a video of Amanda singing.  She watched it several times then had to go show her mom.  This is why Amanda will never be forgotten....

In the deepest, darkest times of hurting, I am so thankful for our families who are willing to continue to stand beside us, allowing us to grieve and grieving right along side of us.

"And then, when pressed with burdens and troubles too complicated to put into words and too mysterious to tell or understand, how sweet it is to fall back into His blessed arms, and just sob out the sorrow we cannot speak!" Streams in the Desert

The CD I included in the "Amanda Bags" had songs from Steven Curtis Chapman.  He lost a daughter five years ago in a tragic accident. The album "Beauty Will Rise" was written with each song related to the grieving process of losing their daughter, Maria.  After listening the the entire album, there were a handful of songs that really jumped out at me.  While it feels as if I could have sat down and wrote each song, there is one titled, "See" that could have been written about the day Amanda passed and her description to us of what she was seeing:

 

It was a steady stream of instructions until she paused and said “It's getting whiter.”  She then began to describe what she was seeing.  “I can see the pearly gates.” she said next.  She then looked up at Roy and said, “Don't cry Papa, it's not good-bye, but see you later alligator.”  All during this time, she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing there.  She then said, “The gates, they're opening!”  “It's beautiful. It's just like you said Dad.”  At that point she said, “They’re green.”  Sandy asked “What's green?”  She told us there were grapes everywhere and that they were green and tasted so sweet.  She said, “That's what it means, that's what it means: “I am the vine and you are the branches!”  She saw a big table set with food on it.  Sandy asked her, “Like a feast?” and she said, “Yeah, like a feast.”  She again added, “And they're rejoicing!”  She mentioned seeing Grampy and that she saw a black horse. 

She then said she was seeing a book, that it was a bible, and to read it every day.  It was at this point she was beginning to drift asleep and as her eyes closed, and her breathing slowed the last thing she saw was another big white book.  After that her voice faded and she closed her eyes. 

I relive that day every day.....some days it is a huge blessing and comfort while others it is painful and heartbreaking.  But no matter how I am feeling - it always reminds me of God's great blessings, grace and comfort he allowed us to have as we said goodbye to our daughter.

So I'll close today's post with the powerful words from that song:

See

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
But from the other side of all this pain
Is that you I hear, laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying "See, it's everything you said that it would be,
And even better than you would believe.
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me,
And finally, you'll see."

But right now, all I can say is "Lord, how long
Before you come and take away this aching?"
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
We'll open up our eyes and we will see

It's everything that He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And he's counting down the days 'til He says "Come with me."
And finally he'll wipe every tear from our eyes
And make everything new, just like he promised
Wait and see, just wait and see, wait and see

And I'm counting down the days until I see
It's everything He said that it would be
And even better than we would believe
And I'm counting down the days 'til He says, "Come with me."
And finally, we'll see. We will see.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good, the Lord is good
The Lord is good. Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
The Lord is good.