When my worlds intersected, Olaf and glass blowing.....

As one might expect, on a Friday before a week-long holiday break, the feelings should be a mix of anticipation and joy.  For me, it was a jumbled blend of both anticipation, joy and dread.

Friday morning, once in the office and settled in for the day, I was trying to stay focused on getting my tasks done.  Unbeknownst to me, there was a special presentation planned that day by our grammar students in PE class performing with rhythm sticks.  That may sound innocent enough, but two years ago, it was during that same performance when we realized that something was definitely “off” with Amanda.  She was unable to keep a rhythm and her balance was terrible.  The year Amanda was in third grade, her rhythm performance was done in January and within a week of that performance, we were in Dell.  

Can you say “trigger”?  So I sat at my desk, finding myself once again battling the waves of tears, heartbreak and memories.  

To add to my day, that afternoon, our Rhetoric students were taking part in community service projects and I had planned on participating in one of them.  Our Junior and Senior students were going to volunteer at ROCK and I was excited to go with them.  My two favorite places, coming together and working alongside each other.  After the emotion of the morning, I wasn’t sure I could make it.  I was afraid being at ROCK would only make things harder and stir up more pain.  

 

After leaving campus and getting some distance between me and the memories, I was ready to go to ROCK.  Here is the thing – Amanda was so happy there.  While she was there, she was full of joy and peace no matter how bad she felt.  If she was on the back of the horse and you asked how she was feeling, her answer would be “I’m on a horse, I’m fine.”  And it wasn't only the horses at ROCK, it is the people and the way that they became part of our family.  I have found that simply being out there, with the amazing people and those beautiful horses brings me comfort and good memories.  While sometimes those memories are hard – the remembrance of her contagious smile and laughter usually beat out the pain.  Those horses are healing for me…just as they were for her.   

When our fabulous junior and seniors arrived to help with cleaning, sweeping and straightening up wherever was needed, I returned to ROCK with my camera.  (More pictures to follow in the next post...) The joy and peace that I feel while I am there is therapeutic.  Then there is Romeo.  She loved that horse so incredibly much it is like a piece of her is still with him.  I was so excited for the students to meet our Romeo.  After all the work was done – they had the special opportunity to paint him!  It was so much fun to watching them and it brought back those sweet memories of Amanda doing the same thing just a few months earlier.

Grace Academy and ROCK

So after the emotional day, I went in to an evening battling more emotions.  We had a faculty/staff ladies party where we were going to watch the movie Elf.  Amanda loved that movie and she watched it year round.  I was really concerned that would be the piece that pushed me over the edge after the day it had been, but with good friends and lots of laughter, I was able to watch it and remember her sweet joy and simply enjoy the movie.  

Saturday was a different story.  Saturday was my annual Christmas shopping day with my mom and sisters.  We have done this for as long as I can remember since having kids.   I knew this year would be hard…..difficult…..heartbreaking…raw and painful.  And while it was all those things, I sort of went into a “numb” mode and did my best to shut down my emotions.  To be honest, I didn’t get much Christmas shopping done.   The reality of only shopping for one was too much to face, so I didn’t face it.   I tried to enjoy the day with my sisters and mom and simply shopped.  I guess you could call that "ignoring the reality," but whatever it takes to get me through those hard days is sometimes worth it.....well, that and some Olaf love......

Brandon spent the weekend with Tom’s parents, so Tom and I got up Sunday morning and went to church before heading to Temple.   Something about Sunday made the day extremely difficult.  Fighting tears through worship, I prayed that I would be able to look past the heartbreak and enjoy the coming week to the fullest.  But for some reason, on Sunday, the overwhelming feeling of missing her was so strong that I found it hard to breath.  Some days are simply harder than others.

That afternoon, the boys stayed in Temple and the Watson ladies went on an exciting afternoon adventure.  We went to blow glass Christmas ornaments together in Salado.  If you have never tried glass blowing, I highly recommend it.  It was a unique and satisfying experience.  Once you complete your ornament,  you look at it and think, “Wow, I did that!”   Then, you have something to keep that you had a part in creating.  I will always cherish the ornament and I plan to keep it out all year round as a beautiful memento of not only that day, but also of this part of our journey.

I love these women and am blessed to call them friends as well as family.

Okay, so all I really did is stand there and blow through my little straw.  But hey, the beauty it produces is impressive!

It's that little green ball on the table, but when it cools, it won't look anything like that.....that is both strange and slightly frightening...

So as we enter this week of Thanksgiving and time spent with family, my heart will only be partially there.  As I look back at where we were last year, it is hard to believe we are where we are today.  Not just heartbreaking – but almost unbelievable.  I spoke with my counselor last week and basically said this, “I am not in denial.  I know she is gone.  But there is still part of me that has a hard time believing the harsh reality that she really is gone."  My memories of her are so vivid, it is as if it was yesterday she was just here.  While I am so incredibly thankful for those memories – her laugh, smile, hilarious facial expressions, compassion, temper, joy, affection – at the same time, they have the power to completely take me to my knees.  I miss her so much.

The thought of Amanda not being with us during the holidays is almost too hard to really accept, so I will do it with much prayer, preparation and asking for God’s mercy to carry me through this difficult and challenging time.   A friend recently sent me Jeremy Camp's song, "He Knows."  The lyrics are below and they beautifully express why and how our God is able to meet us right where we are.

I am thankful for the blessings God has poured into my life.  I am thankful for the beautiful children God gave me.  I am thankful for a Godly, loving husband that leads my family with strength and dignity.  I am thankful for the families that we were born in to; for our parents, our siblings, the spouses our siblings chose and for their children.  I am thankful for my network of unbelievable friends. We are incredibly, tremendously, overwhelmingly blessed.  Even with the heartbreak our family has faced caused by this sinful world, there is nothing that can diminish the simple and all-encompassing gratitude to God for the blessings in my life.

May you had a blessed holiday and please, give thanks to the One who is responsible for all that we have and may you live each day to glorify Him.

He KnowsAll the bitter weary ways
endless striving day by day
you barely have the strength to pray
in the valley low

how hard your fight has been
how deep the pain within
wounds that no one else has seen
hurts too much to show

all the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS
EVERY HURT AND EVERY STING
HE HAS WALKED THE SUFFERING
HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS
LET YOUR BURDENS COME UNDONE
LIFT YOUR EYES UP TO THE ONE
WHO KNOWS
HE KNOWS

we may faint and we may sink
feel the pain and near the brink
but the dark begins to shrink
when you find the one who knows

the chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

every time that you feel forsaken
every time that you feel alone
He is near to the broken hearted
every tear
He knows…