Team Watson: Three months....feels like three years.....

Time has taken on a new dimension for me right now.   Three months. November 6 marks three months since we last hugged, spoke, kissed, touched our daughter. That doesn't seem possible. Three years.....thirty.....the time seems to move so slow.

As I sat at my makeup table yesterday, realizing the day and wondering how it might impact the hours ahead, I opened my morning devotion. The title of it was "The Greatest Pains." Seriously?

So I read it. I don't feel like a strong saint that can withstand the fires of heartache....but I am thankful for all His grace to withstand the trials we have faced.

"The most deeply taught Christians are generally those who have been brought into the searching fires of deep soul-anguish. If you have been praying to know more of Christ, do not be surprised if He takes you aside into a desert place, or leads you into a furnace of pain." Streams in the Desert

"Every time we suffer loss, we have an opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus sake by allowing His life to be revealed." Beth Moore

I want that. Truly I do. I want to be able to get up every day and glorify God in each step that I take. I want to shine the love and light of Jesus. But life is hard. It hurts. I miss Amanda more and more every day, and I often wonder each day how I am able to take that next step. The crazy thing is, even in all that pain, God can still shine.

When I feel like I am lost at sea, and more often than not I definitely feel tossed about, even lost among the waves, my anchor is solid and for that I am thankful.

^"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Life, compared to eternity, is short. I know that. The bible says it is like a vapor. While right now it may feel like FOREVER, our life here on earth is truly short. I can't imagine that when life stretches out in front of me and feels so long in those moments that I am missing Amanda. We are, however, incredibly blessed with an amazing 13 year old son who is growing quicker than I would like and is becoming an amazing person. I know I should be soaking up each moment in each day for just what it is because before I know it, Brandon will be grown and out of the house. To say I am incredibly thankful for him would be an understatement.

Life does go by so quickly, but without Amanda, at times it feels like it has hit the slow motion button....

Looking back to a year ago we were starting cycle five and I was so proud of how well Amanda was doing. She was excelling in physical therapy and just exploding with her love for ROCK and those horses. I don't think I took for granted my time with Amanda, because when I look back and read the posts, I know that I was soaking up each moment with her.   Perhaps that is what makes the reality of losing her so hard as daily it continues to sink in. She and I were together 24/7 - constantly. There were definitely those moments that she wanted dad over mom, he was her cuddler and hero while I was her comforter and security. Our relationship as mother and daughter was incredibly unique. There is not a single thing in my day that doesn't bring back memories of her.....

Each day I pray that I am finding the path before me that God has for my life. At times, it feels like I am stumbling and groping around in the dark and barely finding my footing, but I still trust Him. I trust His purposes and His ways. I am confident that Amanda's life has touched many and God is not through with her story yet. That doesn't make my pain any less and that doesn't make each day any easier, but I do have confidence in the sovereignty of my God and I can trust His plan to be good, even when I don't understand it......even when it hurts so bad.

This has been a hard week with work amping up as we prepare for very special guests on campus next week.....then combine that with the the three month mark since Amanda died and it has been the perfect storm. Oh yeah, plus that storm blew in and gave me a head cold that made me feel just yucky. What a week. The amount of energy it takes simply being in the office always takes me by surprise, and then to be holding all the emotions at bay that this week caused only intensified the feeling of being sucked dry....

I can't say enough how much I adore and am thankful for my coworkers. They love me, cry with me, inspire me and encourage me. God has placed me right smack in the middle of that office for a purpose and a reason - and all for my own good.   They are gracious and kind, and a balm for my hurting heart. Plus, I get to see Brandon throughout the day and that is a definite bonus!

So as this week comes to an end, with me pushing the days at work into overtime helping prepare, I am thankful for a quiet weekend at home. My mind and body need some down time.

I love looking back and remembering my fighter.   My beautiful, funny, strong-willed girl that could make me laugh and brighten my day with just her smile. Thinking of her and Brandon and their relationship, while it breaks my heart, it also makes me so proud of them. They were a beautiful pair. So as I go into a weekend with the deliberate intention of resting and giving myself permission to just be still, I will try to remember those days full of laughter and smiles. There will come a day that the laughter and joy come easier and quicker, and in an abundance....but for now, it's okay to continue to grieve and make my way down that lonely road.   For even though I may feel lonely, I am not alone. That is a beautiful thing.

Psalm 62:1-2
For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

A little walking down memory lane: