Sharing our story....

Early in this journey, I felt that we would tell our story, long after whatever fight with cancer we faced was over.  I had imagined it to be years down the road, or even after Amanda was in remission.  Never thought we would be considering that so soon.........

God's timing is always perfect.

Yesterday, for the first time, Tom and I shared our story.  Out loud.  With words.  In front of people.

Why would we do this?  Why would we put ourselves through the pain of reliving the journey over and over?  It's a way that we can continue to honor God in our journey, while at the same time, honor Amanda's memory.  We are never going to stop talking about her, we are never going to forget her and we would always keep her a part of our hearts.  Speaking and sharing with others will help that be a reality for me.  

But when was the right time to make that kind of choice?  I was wondering if it was something that I should start putting out there, looking for opportunities?  Grief is a strong and powerful force that you have no control over and I was struggling.   After prayer and counsel, I decided that I would not do any other searching.   So I would go back to work at Grace, walk the painful path of grief and death of a child and try to learn how to live again.   We would wait for God to make it clear and obvious what the next step should be.

After making that decision and honestly being able to forget about it and move forward, less than two weeks later we were invited to speak at Elm Grove Baptist Church in Belton.

God opened the door and we walked through it. 

I have always enjoyed speaking in front of groups.  When we were at Lawler, I enjoyed leading the ladies' bible study and teaching.  At Grace, I enjoyed being a part of the various events that required me to speak in front of a crowd.  I have to admit, however, it is very heartbreaking that this has become the platform for my love of speaking.  Completely and totally heartbreaking.

But this is where God has led us.  Which got me thinking it's a good thing I am not in charge of my life.  I would have chosen a very different path for our family.  We would be together, healthy, traveling to Africa for mission trips.  Both kids would grow up, marry Christian spouses and bless us with many grandchildren.  Tom and I would grow old together.  So how can I look at my imaginary picture perfect life and handle the life I am now living?  The hard truth is - I can't.

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

So where does that leave me?  Hurting. Grieving.  Missing my daughter.  Missing a part of me.  Yet, somehow even in that, I can see God's grace.  Our experiences and trials are not in vain.  Our pain is not wasted.  If God gives us the opportunity to use what we have gone through to touch others and provide comfort and hope, that actually provides me with comfort.  Right now, that comfort feels small - but it is there.  And that gives me hope.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.