Content

Amanda is doing well, just very tired.  After she gets up and does an activity, it usually has her feeling pretty yucky and worn out.  We do a little and then she needs to rest.  Her appetite is good, so that is one less thing for me to worry about.  I’d say that we are in a good place!  She did go ride yesterday and even participated in physical therapy.  Romeo was back in action, so she was thrilled. Some pictures from the wet, but warmer ride:

For some reason, she didn't want me taking her picture.  I can't imagine why....

This takes balance, and energy.

They were playing a board game that has a horse theme!

Simply love her relaxed position.

 Brandon had another great game tonight.  The boys played well together and played hard.  They are now 3-0 for the season.  It was so much fun!  I am very vocal at the games, but I get so excited I can't help myself.  That's my boy playing out there!  Way to go Lions!

I scheduled a play date last week with one of Amanda's classmates. These days, our play dates are usually short and spur of the moment.   On this day, it was a double bonus - I was able to visit with my friend while Amanda visited with her friend.   During our conversation, I had an epiphany.  Okay, that may be a little extreme, but as she and I visited about my outlook on this new year, she had a great suggestion.  She suggested I adopt a word for this year, and the more I thought about it the more I liked it.  

I had just shared with her how I had come to this great decision about being content regarding a certain area of my life instead of constantly trying to get it fixed.  That decision gave me a sense of freedom within since it released those emotions I had wrapped up in trying to “fix it.”  She graciously pointed out how well that attitude applies to other areas of my life during this time as well.   Me, the one that likes to do things her way, the one that likes to plan, likes schedules and structure, the one whose house has been in some state of remodel for the past three years, the one that is not good at waiting, the one that likes to know exactly what is going on......need I continue?  Instead of schedules and structure, I now live a life where everything I used to work so hard at controlling has literally been taken out of my hands.  I can't plan anything beyond one day at a time.

Sounds like a recipe for a total meltdown to me!  At times, that is exactly how I feel, but instead of wallowing in the meltdown, I find myself continually turning to God and relying on his promises.   If I didn't believe everything I share with you, if I didn't take God at his word when he says that in all things he works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, I think I could seriously have a complete emotional breakdown.  I don't know if I would be able to function in the simple daily things of life because of my fear of the future.  

Thankfully, however, I do believe that promise.   Therefore, I am daily learning to be content in EVERYTHING that God brings into my life.  Whether it is the cancer that is in my daughter, me quitting my job with no notice to stay home and care for her, watching the struggles that a serious illness brings to not only our immediate family, but how it also effects our extended family and friends or, one that is particularly challenging, simply living life day in and day out in spite of cancer.  Everything that comes into our life, God is working for good.

So, for 2014 - I am claiming the word content.  That one word is like an umbrella for me because it covers so many emotions; it brings peace, joy, confidence, security, hope and satisfaction.  It fights fear, pride, worry and anxiety.  In a world that is so uncertain, I am grateful to know that God's plan is so much better than mine.   On good days, this is easy to believe and I want to shout it from the mountains.  It is on those days that are so challenging, where fear overwhelms and uncertainty bears down that I find my greatest hope in the truth of His sovereignty and love. 

I opened my devotional yesterday morning and this was the verse:

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:12

What an amazing chapter – Philippians 4. Verses 19-20 is a wonderful reminder to me that my needs will always be met.  How blessed am I that God also meets so many of my wants.  This also reminds me that what I think I need and what I really need are usually two very different things.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.  To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Content.  Grateful.  Blessed.

DAY FIVE - Cycle Seven

Today, Amanda made it to ROCK through sheer determination.  I really don't know how she did it because she looked like she felt pretty bad, but she made it.  Despite our layers, it was still very cold and windy.  Romeo had some swelling on one of his legs, so Amanda rode Dude.   We made sure she got to spend some time with Romeo before we left.  The remainder of her day was spent resting and recouping from the ride.

So now, life returns to "normal."  Tomorrow she has her second ride at ROCK, but other than that, we are going to spend the rest of the week taking it easy.  Not sure what her recovery time will be after these five days.  Will she have the two day "chemo hangover" or will she bounce back like we saw last month?  We will just have to wait and see.

I will say, it is nice to be back in the school routine.  Brandon has a game this week and you know I am looking forward to that!
                                                                                                                                                              

It was warmer out in the sun than in the arena, but the wind was pretty harsh.

Here, Ms. Judy is giving her instructions on a riding pattern.

Finally, a little time with her Romeo.

So, tonight I gladly proclaim cycle seven to be complete!  Praise God.  Five more to go and I do love the sound of that!!

Ephesians 3:17-19
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Day Four - Cycle Seven

Last night was a decent night, not the best we've had, but we have certainly experienced worse.

Tom was home today, so I went up to the school office for the morning to work a little.  It was fun being in there with everyone and seeing Brandon at various times throughout the morning. 

I was home in time for Amanda's weekly feeding day at ROCK.  Despite the cold temperatures, she was still determined to go feed and see Romeo.  They had a class going on during our normal feeding time so we didn't get to go today.  We were, however, ready and layered up to face the 20 degree, cold, windy barn.  It is like I told one of our team members at ROCK, we feel like pros at dressing for the cold now!  We got this layering stuff down.  I have a whole new outlook on my winter wear.  :)

Amanda was feeling good today, so we are planning on going to her lesson at ROCK tomorrow.  Bring on the cold, since as today proved, that won't stop her!  Last week when we went out to ROCK, we forgot her coat at home and she still enjoyed every moment of being with the horses.  Tomorrow, I will be sure to have her layered and prepared for the weather.  The main thing I am worried about is whether or not she will feel up to it. If she doesn't make it, she will be crushed, especially after having to miss today!

This past weekend, Amanda's deer head was ready, so my dad went by to pick up on Saturday.  It looks great and she loves it!  That will be hanging in her room very soon.

It's night four and I am ready to be done.  So far, this has been a good week for Amanda.  Even though she only has one pill to take, she still has a mental struggle with taking medication. Thankfully it is not nearly as bad as it has been in times past, (one pill is so much easier than six!) but it is still there. 

So, bring on night five and let's proclaim cycle seven complete!

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Day Three - Cycle Seven

Another good day for Amanda.  So thankful!  Today she made the comment - "Only two more days to go!" I guess since she is already on today, it doesn't count.  ;)

The boys made it home today safely.  Sounds like they enjoyed the new experience and had plenty of adventures.  Hopefully, I will have some pictures to share in the next few days.

Now, back to the real world.  School starts tomorrow and with that, hopefully we will regain some sort of structure.  Well, after chemo, hopefully we will gain some sort of structure.  I've enjoyed the long vacation and I have LOVED having Brandon home, but I am ready for a little bit of normal to return.   Sometimes it feels like his school routine and Tom's work schedule are the only two portions of our lives that are predictable at this point.

Last night was another good night for Amanda.  It seems like maybe we have found a good mix of her medication to help hold off that initial bout of sickness that she has experienced the last few cycles.  That deserves a big "HALLELUJAH!"

Tonight is the halfway point, after that, it is all downhill.  Praying for another smooth night as we prepare to settle back into life tomorrow.

When nothing on which to lean remains,
When strongholds crumble to dust;
When nothing is sure but that God still reigns, 
That is just the time to trust.

It's better to walk by faith than sight,
In this path of yours and mine;
And the darkest night,
when there's no outer light 
Is the time for faith to shine.
-Joseph Parker

Day Two - Cycle Seven

Amanda slept through the night last night!!  That is a huge praise - she didn't get sick!  Wahoo!  One happy momma right here.  She has had a great day watching movies, drawing, coloring and playing on her kindle while relaxing in bed.  She does feel a little yucky, but right now she is doing really well.  I am so thankful.

As for taking the medication, it is awesome - one pill, no problem!  She does it pretty quick without any anxiety.  In case you were wondering, the gifts so far have been a Duck Dynasty shirt and some DD decals to hang in her room (Happy, Happy, Happy!) and a new 3DS stylus set.  Two days down, three to go!

As for me, I have enjoyed reading, working on our photo album from Montana and my favorite, laundry (not really, it is just one of those things that never goes away!).   My mom came over and spoiled us today by cooking lunch and dinner along with bringing snacks for Amanda.   Today Amanda was craving fruit.  Pineapple, cherries, apples, oranges - you name it, it sounded good to her!  That is actually one of the perks of Amanda being on chemo, since she takes steroids while she takes her chemo, she eats really well!

Praying for another great night and a repeat of today!

Here are some pictures from our trip to ROCK yesterday.  Amanda was very excited because my mom, sister, brother in law and nephews (the Earps), were able to come out, see ROCK and meet Romeo.  It was a COLD day! 

Perfect timing!  We got there in time to help Ms. Leslie feed!

Finally, after almost three weeks, she gets to see her Romeo.

As Ms. Leslie brought the horses in, Amanda would name them....she is good!

After feeding time was over, Ms. Judy got Romeo for a little one on one attention.

Amanda and Ms. Judy almost look like they are planning something, or with those two, it should be more like plotting....

She got to groom him, and while I'm sure Romeo enjoyed it, the poor guy had to take his coat off....

Watching her interact with him is one of my favorite things to do.

The way that Romeo helps boost her spirits is unlike anything I've ever seen.  What a blessing!

The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.  George Mueller

Day one - cycle seven

Today arrived much quicker than I would have liked it.  We got good results this morning at the appointment: she is maintaining in the weight department (Yeah!) and her counts are all looking good.  Amanda officially began her seventh chemo cycle today.  While we were anticipating a long day in the transfusion room, the appointment went rather quickly.  She received fluids, Avastin and her antibiotic. Along with her antibiotic she gets a pretty hefty dose of Benedryl.  I was hoping she would just go to sleep and sleep through the rest of her appointment, but she never did.  Maybe it will help her fall asleep tonight!

After our appointment, the Watson men were off to hunt. This hunting trip is from one of the fundraisers from last summer and it is to east Texas for a duck and pig hunt.  I kept telling the guys they needed to grow their beards out Robertson style.......anyway, they will be back Sunday and I hope they have a wonderful time.

While they are off doing manly things, Amanda and I will be set up at home for a weekend of movies.  We are going to move the TV from the den to our room so we can be comfortable and relax while we watch movies.  Sounds fabulous to me!! I have a fun variety of gifts for her this round, but with just having Christmas, it feels strange to be wrapping presents again.

I am hoping for an uneventful week of chemo.  As I have mentioned before, this cycle her dosage is a little higher than last month, but the benefit of that is it is only one pill.  Lets's pray that she has an easier time each evening taking the medicine since it is one pill versus six! 

This afternoon, before she starts the chemo medication, Amanda and I will take a quick trip out to ROCK with Ms. Judy so she can see Romeo.  She misses him!  With Tuesday being her last dose of the chemo medication, she might not feel up to her lessons next week.  I figure we had better get her a quick horse fix while she feels up to it to just in case it has to carry her through this cycle.

So, here we go - let cycle seven begin!! 

Psalm 118:24

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

A few shots from Montana:

One happy girl! I loved seeing her wish came true...riding horses in the snow in Montana. 

What gorgeous scenery to take in while we rode...from the forests to the mountains, it was all beautiful.

Now a few pictures from Cousins Camp:

About to start a highly competitive game of Apples to Apples.

Next up was Cataan, Seafarers expanded edition.

And then ending the night with fireworks.  Who doesn't love sparklers?

From 2013 to 2014....

I survived!  That is, I survived Cousin Camp.  Cousin Camp, in case you don't know, is where we have all the nieces and nephews over from the Smith side to spend the night.  We played games, watched an unbelievable football game, shot off fireworks, played Rock Band and raced cars, ate and then ate some more.....and even slept a little!   As usual, we had a great time and thankfully, no one hurt each other. (Fireworks were present....just sayin') Memories were made that will go down in infamy in family folklore.  Good times.

Amanda has been feeling very tired and worn down this week, but she has pushed herself to the limit and enjoyed her week as much as possible.  With chemo starting on Friday, her feeling a little poorly is expected, but I also think the busyness of the last month is catching up with her.  I am praying that we don't experience a harder hit from chemo since she does seem a little more on the weak side.  Knowing her, she will probably surprise me and I would love for her to prove me wrong!

So here I sit.  On the first day of a new year, I feel this pressure to be relieved that 2013 is over, to have great goals for 2014 while looking forward to the upcoming year and all it holds.  Instead, I find myself sitting here with mixed feelings.  The pain of 2013 is not going anywhere.  We are carrying over with us what made 2013 such a challenging and trying year right into 2014.  Yet at the same time, that 'same thing' that brought us the greatest pain also gave us joy, trust and faith more than I ever could have dreamed.  It showed us what the body of Christ looks like as it ministers to one another.  It brought us to our knees before God in agony, in prayer and petition, and in worship and praise.  2013 will always be an unforgettable year, but for more reasons than what are on the surface.

The way I look at life has forever been altered because of 2013.  I now do my best not to look to the future and plan.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I still dream and hope for our future.  I still talk about the kids driving, graduating from Grace and going to college.  I look forward to watching them mature and walk the path God has for them.  I still hope.  I do it now, however, with a keener sense of why we are here on this earth.  It is not about what I can accomplish in my life or how much I can enjoy what this world has to offer, but rather how I can live the life God has given me with the purpose of glorifying Him throughout that life.   So my view on 2014 is not your typical "fresh start with new goals" but instead, as I look to the new year, my prayer is that I can stay the course before us with hope and joy as we fight the battle with all our might and live in His mercy day by day.  

I can't help but think of Chris Tomlin's song, Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies). This song is based on 2 Kings 6:15-18:
When the servant of the man of God rose early in the morning and went out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was all around the city. And the servant said, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. And when the Syrians came down against him, Elisha prayed to the Lord and said, “Please strike this people with blindness.” So he struck them with blindness in accordance with the prayer of Elisha.
Chris said this in an interview about the song: "Our story is not a story of fear, it is a story of faith.....Most of the time our eyes are focused on what's in front of us. If we could see the spiritual realm, our enemy wouldn't cause us fear.  Those who are with us are far more than those who are against us."

My greatest battle is often against fear - fear of the unknown and what the future holds.  Often times, my fears will sweep down and stop me in my tracks, literally leaving me trying to catch my breath.  I know Amanda sometimes struggles with fear.  How fortunate to have the above mentioned truth to hold on to with confidence in those times of fear.  I can let go of my attempt to control, throwing my hands up in complete surrender and worship God because I know His is mercy is never ending, His love is unfailing, He is our refuge and our strength.  “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

So as we continue our battle in 2014, I know who goes before me.  What about you?  

Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song

Though darkness fills the night

It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear

You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet

You are my Sword and Shield

Though trouble lingers still

Whom shall I fear

I know Who goes before me

I know Who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always on my side

The One who reigns forever

He is a Friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name

For You alone can save

You will deliver me

Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in Your hands

I'm holding onto Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

You are faithful

I know Who goes before me

I know Who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always on my side

The One who reigns forever

He is a Friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The God of angel armies is always by my side