I am thankful that through Amanda's life and our fumbling walk of grief without her, God has been glorified. In all things, we have looked to our faith to sustain, lead and carry us on this journey we have been called to. I know there is no way we could continue with hope if we didn't lean, depend and press deep into our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Our beautiful girl walked through Heaven's Gates at 4:55, August 6, and we have never looked at life the same. Heaven. Don't doubt it's real - God allowed us a beautiful glimpse of it through a ten year old's eyes as she passed from this broken world into her eternal home where she waits for us.
So, as this day of remembrance, celebration, and grief begins, I'd like to invite you to walk down memory lane with me. The post below shares how our family finds comfort and peace through the events of the day Amanda died. All glory and thanks to God for the gracious and mighty gift He gave us.
From August 6, 2014:
Though we were sure of Amanda's faith in Jesus, by affirmations through conversations we have had, her love, her actions, her convictions, I had often prayed that God would give me assurance that my daughter was safe in His arms when she died. I’m not sure what I was expecting but wanted it to be evident. Both Sandy and I had, in the days prior to Amanda’s passing, been praying that when the time came, God would also be merciful and not allow Amanda to suffer over an extended period of time, but that her passing would be peaceful and quick. Our prayers were graciously answered on the morning of her death.
The morning of August 6, 2014 Sandy was home with Amanda, I was getting off work, and Brandon was in McGregor staying with
family. Amanda had been up most of the night, not
sleeping and on a routine dose of morphine to help with comfort and breathing. Sandy
said they had a good night together, watched movies for most of the night and at
one point, even joking about it being an all-night girl’s slumber party. She saw no indications during the night that
Amanda was taking a turn for the worse, so the events of that morning were very
unexpected. Sandy contacted me at about 8:30 as I was leaving to come home telling me I needed to hurry that Amanda
was not doing well and that she thought this was the time.
I got home shortly after Sandy called me and Amanda was displaying
several signs that she was having increased difficulty breathing. We contacted the hospice nurse and had some
oxygen brought over by the EMS Commander.
We had a CPAP machine for Amanda that she would occasionally use, but
this morning she had become dependent on it to breath. We placed the oxygen over the CPAP intake and
the combination seemed to help her shortness of breath and her color pinked up. We called PaPa and MaMa Watson to get Brandon
and bring him home.
PaPa and MaMa Smith were in town and were going to bring
Amanda breakfast from Chick-fil-A, which was a favorite of hers. They arrived at the house and shortly after,
the hospice nurse did also. Amanda wanted
to eat but we did not allow her because of her fatigue and the concern with her
choking. The nurse confirmed she was in
a declining state. We were able to give
Amanda some morphine to help her breathing and make her more comfortable.
During this time of watching our daughter struggle to breath
we gathered around her expressing our love through tear soaked words. Our fatigued daughter would open her eyes and
tell us things like, “Why are ya'll saying that, why are ya'll crying, I'm not
dying yet.” We knew differently as signs
were pointing to her body trying to compensate.
We made sure we told her everything that was on our hearts as she lay
there in bed.
Amanda then began to “taste food.” She laid there rolling it over in her mind
what it was she was tasting. Initially
she said it was something mom had cooked before. She eventually said, “No, it's a chocolate
Krispy Kreme Doughnut” which drew a
laugh from everyone. A moment later she
said, “I taste Lawler.” We asked, “What do
you mean you taste Lawler?” She
explained how what she was now smelling was so familiar that she could taste
it. She then said, “Such sweet
memories.” (Lawler is the church we
attended for many years. This is the
church she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior and was baptized. Her Papa Smith is also the pastor. It will always be a special place to our family.)
It was about 9:45 when Amanda surprised us all with the words
from seemingly out of nowhere, “I'm dying now.”
She also commented on how things were becoming whiter. But instead of becoming clinically worse or
anxious as one might expect with someone facing death, there was a new look in
her eyes. She was completely alert with
a look of awe and wonder. Her once
fatigued voice was now clear and filled with amazement. These expressions she had cannot be stressed
enough because it was so evident; AWE,
WONDER, and AMAZEMENT! The first thing she said was “Tell Brandon I
love him so much.” At that time we
called Brandon and put him on speaker phone. We told Amanda to tell
Brandon what she told us. We expected
her to tell him how she loved him but shocked us when she said, “Brandon, I'm
dying!” In her voice you could tell she
wasn't afraid but confident. Brandon
responded with, “You'll be okay, I'll be home soon.” Then she said, “I love you Brandon.” She went on giving us very specific
directions:
--Don't forget her or stop talking about her
--Tell Brandon he could have her breakfast from Chic-fil-A
--Celebrate her birthday with a birthday cake with her picture on it every year
--Brandon gets to blow out the candles
--Have pink, purple, and baby blue roses on the
anniversary of her death and when they die to put the petals on her grave
--She wanted a red crepe myrtle planted (something we had
discussed prior but she couldn't decide on the color)
--Leave her room the way it is, then she added; “but clean
it up”
--Have Brandon decorate her deer horns
--Give Ginger her favorite stuffed animals, Puppy and
Panda, so Ginger can smell them and not forget her
--Buy her a present at Christmas and let Brandon open
it. Make it candy so he can enjoy it.
--She gave specific instructions for MaMa Smith on how to decorate
their Christmas tree with her personal ornaments (each grandchild has an their own box of ornaments to hang)
--To tell her young cousins and the “December baby” about her
so they wouldn’t forget her (our sister-in-law is due in December and Amanda
called it December baby)
--She said she would tell baby Sam about us and make all of
us Christmas ornaments, even the Smith side (baby Sam is her cousin who was stillborn
in July, 2011)
--Give Romeo his halter (Amanda’s horse she rode at ROCK)
--Make sure Romeo is taken care of and gets fed
--She told us not to cry and be sad, because she was going to heaven. She told us she wasn't afraid.
It was a steady stream of instructions until she paused and
said “It's getting whiter.” She then
began to describe what she was seeing. “I
can see the pearly gates.” she said next.
She then looked up at Roy and said, “Don't cry Papa, it's not good-bye,
but see you later alligator.” All during
this time, she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we
should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing
there. She then said, “The gates,
they're opening!” “It's beautiful. It's
just like you said Dad.” At that point she
said, “They’re green.” Sandy asked “What's
green?” She told us there were grapes
everywhere and that they were green and tasted so sweet. She said, “That's what it means, that's what
it means: “I am the vine and you are the branches!” She saw a big table set with food on it. Sandy asked her, “Like a feast?” and she said,
“Yeah, like a feast.” She again added, “And
they're rejoicing!” She mentioned seeing
Grampy and that she saw a black horse.
She then said she was seeing a book, that it was a bible, and
to read it every day. It was at this
point she was beginning to drift asleep and as her eyes closed, and her
breathing slowed the last thing she saw was another big white book. After that her voice faded and she closed her
eyes.
~Thomas
We wanted to see her face, so Tom removed the CPAP just so that we could see her. As we knelt there next to her in the bed, it
became quickly obvious that without the CPAP and oxygen, her time would be short. Wanting Brandon to get home in time to say
goodbye, we put the mask back on and she pinked back up again. Words don’t express my relief when Brandon
came running in the room. We told Amanda
that Brandon was there that he had made it home. She was able to open her eyes, but she didn’t
speak. Throughout the day, the three of
us stayed very close to her while family arrived at the house.
The nurse told us that the last thing to go is hearing, so be
sure to talk to her. Thomas, Brandon and
I did that all day. Family came in one
by one to say their goodbyes. Late that
afternoon, she opened her eyes one last time and asked us to take the mask
off. It didn’t take us long to realize
her time was coming to an end with us here.
How do you prepare yourself for this time? How do you comprehend that the child you carried
in your womb, gave birth to, who brought you joy you never knew imaginable was leaving this earth? You don’t.
You can’t. You are just there, clinging to every moment, every second
and begging God for it not to happen.
But it happens and all you can do is simply keep breathing.
As the nurse told us that it wouldn’t be long, grandparents
stayed in the room and a few immediate family members while Thomas, Brandon and
I snuggled as close to her as we could.
With quiet praise music playing, we were silent, sitting with her,
holding her as she breathed her last breath and knew no more pain.
Peaceful.
Heartbreaking. Prayers answered. Amanda
didn’t suffer, she wasn’t in pain and the end wasn't as I feared it could be. God was merciful.
Tom had talked about how he had prayed that God would
give him some assurance that she was safe with Him. He likened it to sending your child on a trip
and wanting a call to know they had arrived safely.
We were given so much more.
We were given the opportunity to personally drop
her off at the gates of Heaven.
Luke 18:16-17
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
More than just a dream (two parts, too long for one comment)
ReplyDeleteTwo weeks after Amber died, after the shock began to wear off and the next stage of grief moved in, I spoke to her and told her that I needed to know she was okay. That night I had a dream and in it, she was walking (Amber had been born with Spina Bifida Myelomeningocele and Hydrocephalus, which meant she was paralyzed from the waist down all of her life) with two others. She was wearing a purple sweater (her favorite color) and white jeans which we had always wanted to wear but couldn’t due to something called Kyphosis. The other two did not appear to have faces but I felt no fear. As she got closer to me, she said, ”We have to dance in a circle in order for me to stay.” While the dream began in the only home she’d ever lived in, it quickly switched to my childhood home in San Antonio. As I held her in my arms and we hugged so tightly, I kept thinking over and over, ‘This feels too real to be a dream.’
Amber began to describe Heaven and told me how much I would love it. She first described the flowers and how incredibly beautiful they were. She talked about meeting Jesus and just kept telling me how happy she was. She was whole for the first time in her life. Amber had been called the Happy Hugger because it was her way of connecting with you, she brought you to her. Yes, there were times when she was sad about having a disability and being different but most of the time that child simply grabbed joy with both fists. However, to see her so brimming with excitement gave me comfort and for the first time since her death, I felt her closeness.
She went on to describe how Heaven is like a hunting camp but was quick to say that nothing ever dies just that there were forests. ( She knew how I felt about animals…I did once threaten my brother in law that I was going to place a mannequin on the hood of my car and wear a deer suit during hunting season all through Lampasas.) All the while, we slowly hugged, dancing in that circle. It was at that point that I saw through jalousie windows (slats of glass in the door) our other daughter Heather and my husband, Joe. Amber did too and told me she would be right back. I saw the three of them begin their dance. Slowly they turned round and ‘round, hugging, crying and smiling, all through the glass door.
ReplyDeleteAmber returned to me and again we began that dance. Again, over and over, ‘This feels too real to be a dream’. When I woke up, instead of the dread of seeing her again and losing her all over, I felt comforted, my girl was in the best hands I could wish her to be. I believe that the reason our connection was in sleep is that it would be far too hard to let her go twice while conscious.
We had left the Catholic faith about two years before Amber died because our church did not provide the community we had been looking for. We went to an Episcopalian church (Catholic-light, 1/3 less guilt) who at the time was searching for a pastor. We believe (and I’m sure we’re not the only ones) that he was sent specifically because God knew what was ahead for our family. He knew that what we would need was a man who also knew what it was to be a dad. Whenever Father Pat would come into the PICU unit, all of Amber’s numbers would immediately go to perfect. O2 sats- 100%. But, she was getting so tired and her lungs couldn’t keep up anymore.
After my dream, I went to Father Pat and talked to him about it. He told me it was more than a dream. He made a couple of connections with scripture:
Amber coming with the two others – Holy Trinity
Dance in the Circle of Life – Revelations
Later, I came across two books: Closer to the Light / Morse and Hello from Heaven
This dream would have happened in late May, 1990 yet it is still as clear to me almost twenty-five years later. I hope our Amber’s message about Heaven gives you comfort. Jeri
Thank You for sharing such a personal memory with all of us. You and Your Family are remarkable.
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