I looked back to 2013 and found a note from Amanda...

So as I sat down to write today's blog, I went back two years.  To be honest, I am trying not to think too much about last summer.  It is just too hard.  I thought that instead, I would go back and see what we were up to at this time in 2013....that wasn't much better.

Here is a portion from June 11, 2013 from CaringBridge:

Amanda’s Blog:
Today was not my favorite day. I had to for the first time get my port accessed. I was very happy on how everything went. We sat in the big room while the meds went through.  It was a really long time. Love you all and miss you all AMANDA

Mom’s Blog:
Our day started very early this morning and as anticipated, Amanda was a little apprehensive
about the day before us.  I was very grateful that we did not sit in the waiting room long this morning but instead was called back quickly.  Before going to an exam room, the first thing they do is check Amanda’s weight, blood pressure and temperature.  She has lost four pounds this past week, but with surgery last week, we figured it had to do with two days of not eating anything.  Plus, her appetite has changed and very rarely does she eat breakfast anymore. While it was a little concerning to me, that is something we can focus on during this time when there is so much that is out of our control. 

As for Amanda, she had a great day.  She did wonderful with the port and she felt good all day.  After our long day in the clinic, we came home and played a couple of hands of Nerds together before Dad had to go to work then we watched a movie, took Ginger for a short walk before bed and stayed up a little too late.  I am praying for many, many more days like this one.

Today, Tom was able to look at the MRI’s again while the kids and I stayed in the transfusion room.  (Be sure to look at the pictures I posted-we were definitely comfortable, which is a good thing considering how long we were there!)  Again he was told what a good scan it was in regard to how the tumor responded to the radiation.  I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing that encouraging report.

 As we sat in the exam room at the beginning of today, waiting to start this next round of treatment, I turned to Tom and said, “I just feel so thankful right now.”   It was good to be there, with the positive MRI behind us and the road ahead of us filled with hope.  

Turns out today, two years ago, was the first day of her chemotherapy treatment.  So much for avoiding reading an emotional entry.

Please don't think I walk around, ready to shatter if I'm looked at funny or if Amanda is brought up. But the memories are right there, quicker to surface and more painful than they have been in a long time. And it is so intense, at times it is actually a physical pain.  

As the days go on, I will continue like we have every other day for the past two years. Take it one day at a time. Trust in God's sovereignty. And above all, I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity and blessing to be the mom of such a beautiful girl. 

Never forgotten, always remembered and forever loved. 

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”