How I can say I have no regrets......

Last Saturday, as I stood before the room of women, I told them,

"When I stop and look back over the journey our family has experienced, I can honestly say that I have no regrets and I feel we were so blessed.  Throughout her illness, she was never hospitalized or had serious complications due to her treatment, she was able to live a “normal life” during those last months and enjoy life despite her cancer.  Those Sundays we all made it to church together to worship were huge victories.  We lived life to the fullest and soaked up every moment we could while still trying to live a normal life with a child that had a terminal illness."

Right before that, I also said this: 

"The one thing that I want you to understand is that while the pain is raw and real and harsh, God’s love is bigger, and stronger, and He comforts even the messiest of hearts like mine." 

This has been a challenging week.  I have had a lot of "face" time with people over the past week.  Probably the most since I have been back at work.  While I loved every moment of it, the after-effects really took a toll on me.  It wore me out and trying to recharge during a busy week has proven to be extremely challenging, which only makes things more difficult.

As I stepped back and thought about what I shared with the women on Saturday and the current emotional struggle I am fighting, the phrase, "I can honestly say I have no regrets" kept coming back to my mind.  And I began to question myself.  "Do I really have no regrets?  If I search my heart, is that a true statement?"

Our last "official" family picture taken, less than a month before she died.

YES!  No matter how much I turn it around, roll it around and try to defend or prove it wrong, the searching always brings me back to God's sovereignty.   He is good enough, strong enough and loving enough to get me through even the darkest days.  And I trust Him.

As I sit here and type this, I am currently watching the slide shows I have made of Amanda and am totally losing it- you know what I mean - the ugly, sobbing, messy kind of crying.  Tears, though they may be painful and heartbreaking, they are also very cleansing and therapeutic.  

Amanda lived a beautiful life.  We didn't choose cancer, we didn't have any control over the illness that took her life - but we walked through it with all the grace and strength God gave us and loved her every moment and trusted God.  That is how I can say I have no regrets.  I had her for a beautiful almost eleven years.  Even with the pain of losing her, and not having her in my future - I would not trade those years for anything.  I would do them over in a heartbeat, even with the same outcome.  She was an incredible gift.

I found this article on the Desiring God website.  I often enjoy going and combing through the Desiring God website as I continue to learn how to dig deeper in God's word...

Any peace and hope we have in our lives right now can be traced back to the fact that God alone is God, that he is the sovereign power behind everything. And this has future-creating wonder. God’s sovereignty, John Piper explains, is not mainly a theological problem with the past, but an invincible hope for tomorrow.

God’s sovereignty means the good he intends for his children will not be deterred. This means we can face anything. All his promises to us will be fulfilled. Pastor John lists nine such promises.
By the blood of his Son, God has promised infallibly...

1. I will meet all your needs according to my riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).
2. My power will be made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
3. I will strengthen you and help you and hold you up with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).
4. I will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
5. I will not let any testing befall you for which I do not give you grace to bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).
6. I will take the sting away from your death with the blood of my son (1 Corinthians 15:55f).
7. I will raise you from the dead imperishable (1 Corinthians 15:52).
8. I will transform your lowly body to be like my glorious body, by the power that enables me even to subject all things to myself (Philippians 3:21).
9. I will do this without fail because I am absolutely sovereign over everything and therefore, I can do all things, and no purpose of mine can be thwarted (Job 42:2).

My suffering is not unbearable.  It is heartbreaking, heavy, painful and challenging - but not unbearable because God carries me.  I'm not ashamed to admit there are days that I cannot face, that I question how I'm going to get through, that I wonder how God thinks I am strong enough to deal with this.  And then it hits me - in my own power, I can't do anything.  When I try to do that is when I miserably fail.  It is so much better to admit my weaknesses and solely depend on God and His grace to help me take the next step, face the next day and continue to simply breath.

I am thankful that I have those days that I am ready to take on the world - I am ready to shout from the mountaintops and share Amanda's story and how God blessed us throughout it.  And believe it or not, I am thankful for days like today where I am crying out to God for strength and mercy to simply make it through the day. 

 “Suffering is unbearable if you aren’t certain that God is for you and with you." Tim Keller

“I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord.” Yes. That’s it. That is the promise. The “I will” of God. That is what I need. And if it is true for the vulnerable villages of Jerusalem, it is true for me a child of God. God will be a “wall of fire all around me.” Yes. He will. He has been. And he will be.
And it gets better. Inside that fiery wall of protection he says, “And I will be the glory in her midst.” God is never content to give us the protection of his fire; he will give us pleasure of his presence.~John Piper

Seeking and clinging to His protection and the pleasure of His presence even in my grief.....
 

Please? Let me take your picture?

 

love and miss this silly girl....