Joy on the Other Side

“My mess has become my greatest message.”  Carol Kent

Walking back to this arena of “sharing” is a bit intimidating and I have delayed doing this for some time….but as I look back at how we shared Amanda’s story I can’t help but think of all the blessings we would have missed if we had chosen to stay silent.  And it is with that lesson in mind I would like to share a little bit of my personal story from the last two years.

While Amanda was sick, and even after her death, we often heard about how strong our faith was and how people didn’t think they could handle a situation the way we did.  I have said this before, but we didn’t know any other way to face Amanda’s illness than to trust God through it all.  It is those same opinions that make me want to open up and share how grief completely derailed me two years after Amanda’s death.   

Even though my faith never wavered, I walked through a very dark valley, with no idea how long it was going to last, how bad it was going to get or how it was going to end.  As human beings, we have to allow our bodies and minds to process life events and that sometimes means depending on the help of people who have specialized in doing just that.  As Christians, we are not promised to be protected from the pain and suffering of the world, but we do have the promise that our Lord God will never leave us or forsake us.  And our God is faithful.

“In the secular view, suffering is never seen as a meaningful part of life but only as an interruption.” Tim Keller

Those first two years…..

Three months after Amanda’s death, I went back to work and not long after that began working with our women's’ ministry at church.  In other words, I got busy and I got good at “stuffing” the process of grieving properly from the beginning.  Oh I was still grieving my loss, but I was also proclaiming God’s goodness, sharing our story, napping, working, fumbling at being a mom, wife and friend, and found myself falling flat on my face in exhaustion at night only to start the process all over again the next day.   Looking back, I wasn’t making enough time for my important relationships….I was spinning my wheels so fast and so hard that those closest to me were suffering, and in turn, my choices were causing me to pull a little further away from where I needed to be.  I trusted God, my faith was still strong but I felt like it was my responsibility to help things make sense…..I was trying to control things I had no control over.  There was a lot of “me” moments during that time.  What became evident as I look back is that I wasn’t taking care of me in the most important way, allowing myself to grieve in a way that was vital for my health and well being. I was trying to balance my grief publicly just as we had done with Amanda’s illness.  But there are some things that need to be done in a quiet place. I was not allowing myself to grieve in God’s timing and ways, one on one with Him, my husband and my son.  I’m just surprised it took two years for it all to come crashing down.

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”  J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

Grief must happen

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

John Piper said, “Joy and sorrow in the Christian life are not sequential, but simultaneous."

I have read many things on grief.  One thing I have heard, but honestly didn’t fully comprehend, was just how individual the grief process is for each person.  Sounds like a no-brainer, right?  But the dramatic differences in how I handle grief compared to how my boys handle grief took us a bit to figure out and that had some unpleasant repercussions.  First, let me say that no one's way was wrong, just different.  Tom happens to excel at being logical.  He is a thinker, and while he also is very good at showing emotions, he has the ability to be able to “turn them off” when needed.  I, on the other hand, am driven by emotions, all the time, and must often allow the emotions to drain out rather than be able to shut them down. Then I am so wiped out I feel like doing absolutely nothing.  So figuring out how to allow one another to grieve, each in our own way, while also learning from each other was a challenging but extremely important step for us.  

You may recall that we moved away for about a month the summer of 2016. That summer was the time everything came closing in on me. It was May of that year that my internal struggle to grieve and heal began to manifest itself on the exterior. That looked like all kinds of ugly, but it took us a while to realize what was going on.  We moved away from home and family, and at the time it seemed understandable that I felt the need for different surroundings.  That’s not a bad thing and for some, can be incredibly helpful.  But that was not where I was at.  Thank goodness Tom had the training to realize that I was nearing a breaking point.  For two years I had been running and running fast.  But I was running the wrong way. 

So there we were, away from our community, living in the middle of a corn field and I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. I couldn’t eat or sleep and struggled to function in the simplest of tasks.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear.  We did have family close by and I had a dear friend who was just down the road, but Tom still had to drive an hour in to work and I still had to be mom to Brandon.  It was during this time that Tom connected me to a clinician who specializes in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and thus began our battle that would begin my long process of healing.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Coming Home for help

As we look back at that month we were gone, while traumatic in nature, we think it could have been the best thing to happen to us to help us see that something was terribly wrong. With the distractions of our “normal” schedule removed, we were forced to focus on just us.  Everything else moved to the back burner as we grappled with figuring out what in the world was going on.  

By the time we moved back to Georgetown, I was a full blown mess.  I struggled being in large crowds, going back on the campus at Grace Academy, being at church and I even struggled to be in our own home. I couldn’t deal with simple daily tasks or changes to anticipated plans, but worst of all, I couldn’t be alone. I struggled with feeling “safe.”  The stress and trauma of Amanda’s 17 month cancer treatment and then her death had manifested in an inability to cope, severe anxiety and a fear unlike anything I have ever experienced.  The simplest way to explain it is that I had an emotional breakdown.

As part of my therapy, I began EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is “a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences….by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. - EMDR Institute, Inc.”  My therapist explained it like this: Sometimes when people go through a traumatic experience, it gets stuck in the frontal lobe of your brain (which controls your behavior) and is negatively stimulated by coming across things that brings back the painful memories.  EMDR allows those memories to be filed away where they are supposed to go, to become “unstuck”.  Much like we process our day’s events every night by the REM sleep cycle, EMDR uses the same methods to process those memories. 

After my first two hour session, I had the ability to be at home without the overwhelming painful feelings, I could drive on campus at Grace without bursting into tears - the change was incredible.  While I was still experiencing the other symptoms and struggles, the change that the treatment had on me was astounding.  Over the next three months of EMDR therapy followed by traditional talk therapy, I slowly felt like I was getting a grip back on who I was.   

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

But the battle was far from done

This was a dark time in our family as we each tried to find the right path and the right way for us as individuals and as a family to heal together.  During this time, I was most at ease being around our families and a few friends I was comfortable feeling that messed up in front of.   As this lengthy process continued, I was able to open up and talk about my feelings, my fears and my heartaches with Tom while listening to the same things from him. We were able to connect in our grief in a new way.  

I struggled with the fact that my faith was not healing me.  It made sense to me that since I trusted God, I believed His Word to be true and trusted that His will is best that I shouldn’t be feeling or struggling like I was.  But as it was explained to me that what I was going through was a physiological response to a trauma, I was incredibly thankful for the advances of modern medicine that were available to help me and worked at not feeling shame for getting the help I so desperately needed.

My memory of the last three years is very hazy.  In fact, I have very little detailed memory of that time.  I do have a very few “clear” memories, and one of them is of me standing at the dishwasher crying, not understanding why and feeling the suffocating blanket of anxiety and fear.  Tom came up to me, gave me a hug and said, “I don’t know why this is happening, but I trust God will one day use this experience for His good.” 

As you can imagine, this was a difficult season of our marriage.  Today, our marriage is stronger and healthier than ever.  He is my best friend and I am so thankful for how far we have come in our relationship.  My husband leads our family with confidence and is our example in how we should daily strive to glorify God in what we say and do.  We still don’t always see eye to eye, but we understand that in marriage, it is not about us as individuals, but we are a covenant example of Christ and His church.  It’s an act of dying to self each day and putting one another’s needs ahead of our own.  We work hard at that and have fun while we are at it.

One of the best things we did for my healing was for me not to work but stay focused on walking the path of grief, going through the hard stuff and focusing on Tom and Brandon.  I couldn’t afford to get distracted by all the good activities I could be involved in, but instead I had stayed zeroed in on doing the hard thing.  So even though it might seem I have “disappeared” from the usual places, please know that God had me and has me still right where I need to be as I, to this day, continue to walk through grief and healing.  

So why am I laying this all out there?  Because I know we live in a world full of hurts.  And I want people to hear hope in my story and to know that just because we find ourselves in a valley that is darker than we’ve ever been in, we are never alone.  We each have people in our lives who would be there in an instant if we can be honest about our hurts and ask for help.  Sometimes we must step back and deal with our stuff in private.  The most important thing to remember is that we have a God who never leaves our side.  There is no shame being in the darkness, but you must fight for the way out.  And yeah, it may be the biggest fight you have ever been in, but once you come out on the other side, every moment of pain, heartache and fear is worth the feeling of the victory of the battle.  There is life after the darkness.

Today I stand here blessed by God’s faithfulness in what we have been through and overcome. I am a different person on every level of my being.  This journey will never be complete for me.  Grief has forever changed who I am, and while I could be frustrated with what I consider to be hindrances or limitations compared to who I used to be, I trust that God will use that somehow, some way for His good.  I can say this because He has proven faithful in all things and in all circumstances.  And looking back over the last five years, I am grateful.  

I am grateful for Amanda.  She was a gift and a sweet life that impacted this world.  I miss her every single day.

I am grateful for Brandon.  He is a joy and has a heart for God.  What a blessing to be his mom and I am excited to see all that God has in store for his life.

I am grateful for Thomas.  He is my love who points me to Christ.  I can’t imagine this life without him.

I am grateful for my journey.  Amanda’s death will always leave me with a giant hole, but I have learned that only Christ can fill it, and it is a daily battle that I gladly fight for His glory.

As I look from the past toward the future, I have hope and joy.  And with a feeling of thankfulness in our journey of love and loss, I wonder where God will lead us next...

Lead on O King Eternal

Lead on, O King Eternal

We follow not with fears

For gladness breaks like morning

Where'er Thy face appears

Let Your kingdom come

And Your will be done

Right here on the earth

Like it is in heaven

Thy cross is lifted o'er us

We journey in its light

We follow as you guide us

Lead on, O God of might

 “You don’t really know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” Tim Keller

Amanda's Third Heaven Day and It Is Well

1 Peter 3:15
Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have….

Sunday, August 6, will be three years since Amanda died….her Heaven Day.  It is incredibly hard to wrap my mind around that fact, and I can’t decide if it is because it feels like so much longer, or just the opposite, that it is hard to realize it has been three years…

Let me start by catching you up on how we are doing. In a nut shell, we are doing very well!!  Brandon just turned 16 and is driving.  I could stop there because that makes me a little speechless.  Talk about an entire new season of parenting! He will be a sophomore at Grace Academy this year and continues to grow into an amazing young man. I am one proud momma! Did I mention he is driving?!  Tom is doing well, enjoying his job tremendously and staying busy on his days off. We will celebrate 20 years of marriage this fall and I am incredibly thankful and grateful for my husband. God has blessed our marriage and my sense of gratitude for my life is overwhelming.

As for me, I can say that I am in a better place today than I have been in a very long time.  I won’t go into great detail (shocker, right?!) but I will say that when I look back over the past year, it was a much needed retreat giving me time to rest, listen, be still and allow myself the time to heal.  God used this year to grow me in ways that have given me a deeper understanding and grasp of His goodness and grace.

Charles Swindoll wrote this in his book on Paul: “Suffering is not about identifying the cause; it is about focusing on the response.  I plead with you, don’t miss that!  It’s about willingly accepting God’s plan, no matter what the circumstance.  It’s about finding contentment in God’s grace, regardless…..Life is not about your being comfortable and happy and successful and pain free.  It’s about becoming the man or woman God called you to be.”

I find myself coming to this conclusion: Only in our personal relationship with Christ can we find such a profound mystery – to find yourself with peace and joy in your daily life, knowing that God is good and sovereign in all things, while at the same time knowing the depths of grief and sadness that comes with the death of a child.  They truly can go hand in hand.  The love of Christ should radically change how you live your life day in and day out and I have experienced that.  I’m thankful I am in a place today where I’d rather trust in His goodness than to wrestle with the questions we will never have answers to. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I’ve been told that grief is a journey, not a destination; it is not something you get over, it is something you must go through.  Yet it is in this journey, if we allow God to use that time to grow us, we are molded, changed and shaped into a person with a stronger faith and understanding of our true purpose here – a life that glorifies God.

Now as we approach Amanda’s third Heaven Day, we remember her with a bittersweet joy.  We are thankful and grateful that we had her in our lives for 11 years, heartbroken over what we miss out on by her not being here and feeling incomplete without her presence.  And in spite of that, we are moved and full of joy by how her sweet life is still glorifying Christ. 

On the day that Amanda died, (click on this link to read our blog from that day) she gave us plenty of instructions on what to do.  In pure peace, she told us not to cry and be sad, because she was going to heaven.  She told us she wasn't afraid.  All during the time she was talking, she told us over and over that we shouldn't be sad but that we should be singing and rejoicing because that is what they were doing in Heaven. 

What a beautiful gift we were given on that day.  So, my friend, choose joy.  I share this next statement from experience, so please take it to heart and be prepared to remind yourself this daily, if not multiple times during the day.....If for some reason you find yourself in a place where it’s too hard to choose joy, keep fighting for it, look up and most of all trust in God…..His is working all things for good.

Romans 8:26-28
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 Even If, Mercy Me (if you have never heard this song and testimony, please take the time to listen!)

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
 To move a mountain
 Well good thing
 A little faith is all I have, right now
 But God, when You choose
 To leave mountains unmovable
 Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
 It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

 I know You're able and I know You can
 Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
 But even if You don't
 My hope is You alone
 I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
 Would all go away if You'd just say the word
 But even if You don't
 My hope is You alone

 It is well, with my soul
 It is well, it is well with my soul

All Roads Lead to Home

In case you haven't already heard, Thomas, Brandon and I have moved back into our house in Georgetown, Brandon is back at Grace Academy, and we continue to worship at Crestview Baptist Church.  We are happy to be home!

If you were not aware of this news it might have given you a case of whiplash.  The dynamics are complicated, layered, long and honestly - a little on the painful side as well.  It has been a summer of stress, exhaustion and important life lessons learned by all three of us - most importantly me. 

Despite the fact that we are home in the very locations I was looking to move from, this is still a new chapter for me in every way possible. This will be a fresh start as we continue to heal and move forward, cherishing each day with each other.

My journey and experience through writing has been an honor and I will cherish our Team Watson blog as it has recorded God's goodness in our family's lives, but as part of my fresh start, I want to share that I am stepping away from writing in this capacity to focus on healing during this new season and most importantly to focus on and to fully enjoy my family.

Thank you for joining us as we shared our hearts with you during Amanda's fight with cancer.  Thank you for loving us and walking beside us as we traveled through the valley.  Thank you for joining us in prayer and praise to our sovereign God whom we have trusted and continue to trust even when we don't understand.  And thank you for loving and supporting Amanda who glorified her God in spite of the circumstances she faced.  

See ya' later alligator!

Lamentations 3:21-24
But this I call to mind, therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will trust in him. 

Two years ago today...

Two years. Two years ago our

sweet girl spent her last day on this earth and stepped into eternity, our lives forever changed. 

It was a day of tears, smiles, heartbreak and joy in to a roller coaster of emotions. Thank you for the prayers, words of encouragement and support on this day. 

For me, this day will always serve as a reminder of where my hope lies in spite of the pain and heartache of this world. 

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

#neverforgotten #alwaysfour

Big Changes for Team Watson

I placed the sand as the boundary for the sea, a perpetual barrier that it cannot pass; though the waves toss, they cannot prevail; though they roar, they cannot pass over it. Jeremiah 5:22

This weekend we spent a few days at the beach with dear friends and it was a wonderful getaway.  As I sat in the sand and watched the waves roll in, the beauty and awesome power of the sea was not lost on me. Talk about feeling small!  The scriptures above paint a beautiful word picture of the sovereignty of God.

I know that many of my friends have been worried about me this summer. Let me first and foremost say I am okay.  Yes, I have pulled in to my family and primarily focused on the three of us. I have a good reason for that change and is has been extremely necessary.  We have been talking about, wrestling with, meditating and praying over a decision that will take us on a new and exciting journey.  And once we officially came to a decision, things have been quickly fallen in to place and to be honest, that is both exciting and a little overwhelming!  So here is our big news - we are moving. 

Sorry! I know, there is no easy way to ease in to that kind of news!  We are moving about an hour north of Georgetown, but a little more on that later.  As the three of us have prayed about this and as Thomas and I have considered the various angles that have impacted our decision, there are a few truths that have come out in our discussions. 

First, you must know that this has been a hard decision. Many of you have walked closely with us in the darkest of valleys and we will always be grateful for the support, love and encouragement we received in an abundance of ways.  We don't take that support lightly nor will we ever forgot.  We love our community, we love our home, we love Grace Academy and our church family, but to be blunt, a fresh start is going to be incredibly good for me.  Saying "fresh start" feels almost like I am trying to forget the past. That is simply not true, but to stay where we are has become harder than I ever imagined it would be. Amanda's memory in all the places we go is both comforting but also challenging for me to move beyond. So to fully live in each day and to take that next step in healing this change is important. Simply put, this move is that next step of healing for me.  I am not leaving behind anything, I am merely starting the next chapter.

Another truth, God has blessed our family and we have seen firsthand how His story shines through the lives of His people.  Even though there is a little fear and anxiety over the unknown that lies ahead, I'm not going to stop trusting Him at this point in our lives!  We now find ourselves on the brink of a new adventure and I am filled mostly with excitement! (Trying to keep it honest - a little fear, a little anxiety and a whole lot of excitement...)

Another beautiful truth is that Amanda's life and story will go with us no matter where we live.  Her life and legacy will continue to touch lives.  I know that without a doubt.  Amanda's life has not only changed those who knew her and followed her journey with cancer, but also those who will only know her from meeting our family and learning about her through our family.   We will never stop talking about her.  We will always be a family of four.

You are probably wondering where are moving to - we are moving to the small community of Crawford, which is about 30 minutes outside of Waco. Tom will keep his job with Williamson County and commute every third day and let me tell you - I feel for those people who make that length of a drive every day, twice a day! I will continue to stay at home but look forward to the opportunities that await me.  With Brandon starting a new school in a little over a month's time, it is a huge blessing that things are happening as quickly as they are even though it has made life incredibly crazy and fast paced for us in the recent weeks.  As I type this, the saw is whirring in the garage and the boys are busy finishing up odds and end jobs so we can sell the house.  We are on the go all day with little time for anything else since we feel a need to be settled and getting acquainted with our new community as soon as we can.  Have I said "big adventure" yet?!

Please pray for our family as we are on a bit of a adrenaline high at the moment.  Pray for our trust to stay strong when we might doubt where our next step will take us.  I know in my own personal life my faith has grown exponentially when God hasn't allowed me to see what my next step is.  While that frustrates me to no end, it refines the need in me to be in control and reminds me that I must simply rely on the grace of God and know He will take care of us today like He has so many times before.  I'm sure if you followed the blog during Amanda's treatment you saw me struggle with the need for control way too often in those days and I'm sad to say that is still an area I need to work on.  I have a feeling that lesson will play out many times throughout the days in the near future.

This is not a goodbye. Technology allows friends near and far to stay connected.  If we were sitting across from each other with a cup of coffee having this conversation, I would simply hug your neck and tell you that I will see you soon.  Things may be hectic for awhile, but I'll touch base to let you know how we are settling in. Thank you for your continued love and support. Thank you for loving us well. I am grateful to have you in my life.  So until we talk again, please keep us in your prayers.

Let the adventure begin!

Philippians 1:3-11
I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel.  For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,  filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Mother's Day

But we have a faith that has a living hope - an eternal hope that gives us a joy we can't deny.
I would be lying if I said today wasn't a painful day.  When, as a mother, you have walked the path of watching one of your children die, there is nothing right about that experience.  We all know that parents are not supposed to bury their children - it is not the way it is supposed to be.  But what I do know, is that while it is not right and there is a hole in my life because of that child being gone, there is still much to be grateful for.  I am grateful for the experience of being Amanda's mother.  Amanda had an amazing attitude towards everything with a heart full of compassions and spirit.  She was full of life, joy and had a smile that would light up a room.  Somehow, even in the midst of the chemotherapy and radiation, Amanda still showed courage and spunk.  She is still with us, both in our hearts, but also in our home and family.  So much of what we do reminds us of her while we continue making wonderful memories, keeping her alive with us as we do.  I am grateful for Brandon.  This young man has seen more and lived through more than a child at 14 should, yet he remains grounded and such a joy to be with.  He is all teenager, all boy, and all blessing.  He has a the ability to read my moods and is not afraid to comfort me when I am hurting.  As a family we are very close, and as we went through Amanda's diagnosis, treatment, death and the day to day healing and journey afterward, we are even closer than ever and have a incredibly special bond.  I am grateful for Thomas, my husband, friend, and dad to our two beautiful children God blessed us with.  The Godly wisdom, integrity and leadership he shepherds our family with is not only appreciated, but necessary as we face life and it's challenges.  I am grateful for our mothers, who raised their family with Christ at the center and showed unconditional love, what it means to be wife, mother and friend, and how to weather life's storms through their own journeys'.  They have been role models and I am
blessed to have them in my life

As today approached, I was emendated with all the posts of the different experiences women face on this day.  Those who want to be mothers, those who are mothers, those who have lost mothers, those who have lost children.....the list goes on and on.  What it reminded me is that no matter what, we can't compare our stories or how we each respond to our experiences.  We each have our own burdens, heartbreaks, joys and desires.  We are all unique - yet together we stand on even ground at the cross of Jesus Christ.  So even though today will pass with tears and the pain of missing Amanda all the while feeling joy and pride while spending the day with Brandon, I can't help but focus on that feeling that I have much to be grateful for and acknowledge how God has filled my life with blessings.   Thomas and I can have great peace and have eternal hope and joy because even though we no long have Amanda here with us, because of her personal relationship with Jesus Christ, we know she is spending eternity with Him.  And that, my friends, means knowing my entire family will be together in glory. I can think of no greater joy a mother can know.

I had the incredible privilege to have lunch with another mother who has lost a child to cancer.  During that time, I made a special friend.  The journey, of being a mother who lost their child to cancer, while it is different for every family, still has so many of the same feelings and experiences that I walked away feeling like I had been given a gift.  The bond parents who have lost children share is a heartbreaking one to celebrate, but it is also comforting to be able to share the pain and grief that many people just don't quiet understand, even when they are desperate to share in your journey.  As we sat at a table over a meal, sharing tears and stories, I was thankful that our paths had crossed and we were able to take this time and relate as mothers missing our babies.
May is Brain Tumor Awareness month.  According to the American Cancer Society, (www.cancer.org) brain and spinal cord tumors are the second most common cancers in children (after leukemia). They account for about 1 out of 4 childhood cancers. More than 4,000 central nervous system tumors are diagnosed each year in children and teens. The incidence rate (number of tumors per 100,000 children) has not changed much in recent years.  The American Cancer Society’s estimates for brain and spinal cord tumors in the United States for 2015 include both adults and children.

• About 23,770 malignant tumors of the brain or spinal cord (13,350 in males and 10,420 in females) will be diagnosed. These numbers would be much higher if benign tumors were also included.
• About 16,050 people (9,440 males and 6,610 females) will die from brain and spinal cord tumors.

Overall, the chance that a person will develop a malignant tumor of the brain or spinal cord in his or her lifetime is less than 1% (about 1 in 140 for a man and 1 in 180 for a woman).

Why even bring those statistics up?  Because our family is not the only one that has been impacted by this disease; because more children are robbed of their childhood by a diagnosis and battle when they should be enjoying what we all consider "a normal" life; because families, siblings and friends experience the reality and pain of
this sinful world we live in while they cope with pain, loss and heartbreak of a loved one to this disease.  And because my daughter is only one of many who fought the fight and finished her race strong despite her cancer. 

So while May is extraordinarily busy (and painful!) with Mother's Day, end of school year activities and graduations, please let May also become a reminder of those who have, and are, bravely fighting cancer like our Amanda did.

Below is a link to an article Silver Lining Therapy wrote on Amanda.  Amanda's JuJu, her physical therapist while at ROCK, is now working with Silver Lining Therapy.  SLT offers animal assisted therapy for children and adults in a unique and motivating environment .  I vividly remember talking with Judy and Amanda about involving other kids who were fighting cancer with what Amanda experienced each week with her Romeo by giving them a chance to spend a day with a horse.  She was excited to be a part of sharing that unique, life changing relationship and I am incredibly proud and touched by how Judy continues to keep Amanda's legacy alive with her passion for improving the quality of life for each of her clients. 

Our Amanda is never forgotten, and reading this story was one more way I am reminded I will never know the extent of how Amanda's life and story will touch lives here on this earth.  

Grateful. Missing my daughter but loving my boy completely. Full of hope and joy. Blessed.

Silver Lining Therapy Blog:
May 2016 is Brain Tumor Action Month   - We have been charged by a very special girl to do everything we can for families just like them.

Another new chapter on the horizon...

I have some news to share.  It is with great excitement and bittersweet joy that after 8 years in the Administration at Grace Academy, I will not be returning next year.  I get to stay at home and focus on Brandon these last four years that Thomas and I have him at home.  That sentence is so hard to write!  Four more years.  Then Thomas and I are empty nesters.  Certainly not the timeline nor the circumstances we expected to find ourselves in at the age of 44.

The co-workers at Grace have become family.  I have lived life with these people and they are some of the most smart, amazing, crazy, hilarious, talented and God-loving people I have ever been around.  We have done some serious journeying together and while the last three years has been unbelievable time of joy and grief, I am thankful and honored to have been among this group as we have lived through it.  

While I took a year and half off with Amanda during her illness, I never felt like I had ever "officially" left.  Trust me, I walked away from school that Tuesday afternoon with Brandon and Amanda, and the very next day, as we learned the news that there was a mass at the base of Amanda's brainstem, my focused shifted and I never looked back.  They packed my desk for me and picked right up where I had left off without a single word to me of the weight that was shifted that day.  I remember sitting in the waiting room with the ladies from the Admin while we were still in the hospital.  The absolute shock and unbelief of where we were was evident on all our faces, yet the friendship, support and solidarity was stronger than it had ever been. In fact, Amanda loved these ladies so much and had a great relationship with them - she showed off her surgery incision to them.  That was the first time Tom and I had gotten a good look at it ourselves!  They are family. They are friends.  They are dear brothers and sisters in Christ.  The fact that I had the opportunity to come back to work in the office over these last two years means more than words can say.

One of the most amazing, and my favorite, part of working at Grace has been the ability to be close to both kids and see them throughout the school days.  My days over the years have been full of Brandon and Amanda popping in the office for this or that, to say hi, run an errand for a teacher or even share the good news of a grade on an assignment..  seeing Brandon during the day will be one part that I know I will miss.  

One question I am asked is what I am planning to do next.  My answer for now is to simply take care of my family and myself.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but being the mom and wife God wants me to be will be my primary goal.  We don't have our children for long, and that is something we know all too well, so my heart is full of joy with the thought of spending more time with Brandon and Thomas.

I'm sure that these next four years will be full of adventures and I look forward to all that is in store for us in this next chapter of our lives!