Team Watson: My thoughts as we start this second year....

We made it past the one year mark. Then we made it through Amanda's birthday and our anniversary. I still find myself very much in the ups and downs of grief. That first year was supposed to be the hardest. Going through all the "firsts" without Amanda should have been the heartbreaking challenge and as time goes by, it should get easier......or so I have heard. But it's only been a year. One year.

Last year, I was functioning in an almost auto-pilot mode. You know - going through the day because I had no other choice. At times it was as if I was in an almost haze-like world that I didn't belong in. The pain of Amanda's death and loss of a child was so great and dramatic that I really believe my mind simply did what it had to do without giving it much thought.

What I'm finding these days, and I have shared this before so bear with me, is that all the shock is gone, all the numbness that protected my heart from really facing the fullness of the pain is no longer there and I honestly think that it has gotten harder. Life has gotten more "real." This reality is so vivid and in my face that there are days I hurt from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Some days the pain of missing Amanda is at such an intense level, I never believed it possible for a person could feel this way and still go on with life in a "normal" fashion all around me without people stopping to look at me. But they don't, and it does, and I am stumbling along right beside them without a choice.

And that is what I am realizing.......my life will never be normal again. At least, never normal like those around me. This grief I carry, that is always running in the background of my mind (and I do mean always) will never go away. I am still trying to come to grips with that. It's hard to imagine that is the truth my life now, but it is. My ability to do tasks has changed so dramatically it is unsettling. Instead of saying I have started a new chapter of who I am, I should say there is a novel about how I have changed because the breadth and depth of who I am, how I handle things and deal with situations is so unlike who I "used to be." The craziest thing is - I am still me.

Sounds depressing if I stopped there - but that my friends is the unbelievable beauty of the loving God I serve. While I may not be who I was three years ago, I am exactly who God wants me to be right now in this place He has me. I am here for a purpose and a reason. This is not an waisted pain. That is not always easy to accept. It is hard for someone (me) that has always been a very detailed and a big picture kind of person to suddenly have problems with my memory or the ability to handle a task with a lot of details. These things are still in my ability, it just takes an incredible amount of energy and focus for me to accomplish them and then I am exhausted. And I hold myself to the same level of performance that I used to produce. With the help of my family, my counselor, friends and co-workers, I am starting to give myself grace in that area, but it has been hard. My God is a God who goes before me and prepares the way. He is a God of comfort, peace, strength and courage. Best of all, He is a God that loves me and is for me. I have a wonderful husband and one amazing teenage boy that are tremendous blessings to me.

So while I am navigating through this second year, I know that it will be continue to be filled with those moments of complete, overwhelming grief that will blindside me (those are the absolute worst) and those days that I know will be a challenge before they even arrive, I still trust God's plan for our family.

Even with grief always in the background, I have good days where the the joy overcomes the grief and keeps it in the background. Those are happening more often than the days where grief completely wins. I am working hard at focusing God's plan for my life, on my boys and the life we have together and living in the day. I am remembering the gift of my beautiful daughter and focusing on the joy her life brought me and the firm knowledge that we will be together for eternity. This life is short. In the book of James it says it is like a vapor so I don't want to let it pass by and regret that I didn't live it glorifying God and loving those He has blessed me with.

Our family, my life, will always feel incomplete without Amanda. But praise God, we know where she is and we will always keep her memory alive.

So let the battle begin. I will face each day with the mindset of focusing on joy, while doing my best not being too hard on myself when those storms of grief overshadow me.

I am incredibly thankful that I know the only One who can bring full healing to my soul....

I Am Not Alone - if you have never heard this song, please click on the title. You'll soon understand why I find this song so beautiful.
by Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

Thankful for a my boys - here are pictures from a recent trip to the river. And yes, the days were full of joy, my boys and water with precious memories of Amanda and the time we spent there as four.