I almost feel too raw and heartbroken to even have emotions at this point. I'm too tired to think. Much less try to articulate how our appointment went today, but here goes:
We basically have four options, all with very different impacts on Amanda's already worn down little body. The first would be Amanda participating in a phase one study on a new drug at a hospital outside of our local area, possibly out of state. The second would be an aggressive chemo drug, but with no strong indicator that it will have a solid impact on her tumor and will likely make her feel ill. Third, there is a lighter chemo drug with minimal side effects that would best be described as palliative, or fourth, no treatment at all.
Let me throw in number five - which would be an unexplainable healing from our great Physician.
We are going to have an MRI done in the next 48 hours to see if we can pinpoint why she has had the sudden resurgence of those early side effects we are seeing and to see if there are any other changes that might be going on. After reviewing the scan with our team, and after much prayer, we will then make our decision on what treatment plan we will do.
Only God numbers her days. He can heal her and keep her here with us as long as He chooses. Her time on earth is in His hands. Tonight, that is where I find my comfort.
But other than the number five option, I have to admit - I hate them all. I want Amanda healed. Completely. I want to keep her here.
Please pray for our entire family over these next few days as we walk this heartbreaking path and for Tom and I as we make a decision. Amanda has been involved in conversations over the last few days, listening and giving her thoughts. I am so proud of her for that.
Thank you for all the prayers. We felt them powerfully. I have strong children who have a faith in God that never ceases to amaze me. Amidst the tears and heartbreak we were all experiencing during today's appointment, both kids stayed in the room to be a part of all the discussions at their own choice. During a moment when Dr. Harrod stepped out, Amanda asked if we could pray. So we did. In the exam room, knowing we could be interrupted at any moment, it didn't matter. We took the time to pray and cry out to God, asking for strength and comfort in our greatest time of need.
Matthew 18:4
Jesus said, "Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
