Being dangerous does not mean being bullet proof....

Man.  What a week last week was. It was like each day threw me some kind of challenge and my ability manage challenges only goes so far...

For example, earlier in the week I was in a group where we were going around the room and introducing ourselves and telling the group who our children were and what grade they were in.  The room was mostly women who do not know our family's story.  As it got closer to my turn, my whole body started shaking and I wasn't sure how to answer. I never want to say that Brandon is my only child.  I have two children.  There are times, however, when dropping that bomb is pretty heavy, "Hi - my name is Sandy and my 10 year old daughter died of brain cancer.  She had completed the third grade."  Talk about ruining an atmosphere!  So I stood there, waiting, knowing when it came to me I wouldn't be able to speak.  Thankfully, I had friends in there and they saw my distress.  I was introduced by a dear friend and the event went on smoothly.   As it wound down, a sweet lady stopped by and hugged me.  She whispered in my ear that she knew I was Amanda's mom....that meant more than I can even put into words.  What an incredible gift for me.

I was so shaken, that even after the event, I simply could not focus on anything.  My day was shot.  It hit me right to my core - understanding that there is a time and a place for everything and that really wasn't the time or place, my heart broke at being introduced as the mother of Brandon, instead of Brandon and Amanda. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would be facing those types of situations for the rest of my life. Right now, the truth of that reality feels very heavy and almost suffocating.  No matter how my times I roll that over in my head, I always come back to Amanda is worth it. Every moment, every tear, every life touched through our steps walked in grief is worth it because she is worth it. 

As I am out and about more around the students and parents at school, I find that the students relate me to Amanda.  For example, one day a student called me Ms. Amanda, I've been asked if I was Amanda's mom more than once, and been stopped by a student for a hug and to share a story or two about Amanda's time on campus.  Painful? Yes. Worth it?  Absolutely.

As I find myself with more opportunities to speak coming up on the horizon, I am excited that God is allowing me the opportunity to use Amanda's story to continue to touch lives.  She told us to keep talking about her and not forget her.  While there is no way I would never be able to do that, these speaking opportunities give me the pleasure of sharing how God used her life to show His glory and how our lives has been forever impacted.

I'm a proud mom of two amazing children.  One of them I still have at home to love and care for, the other one is in Heaven waiting for us to join her.

I know that God will continue to use Amanda's story.  I know that we have an eternity in Glory awaiting us.  I know that Amanda's life was not lived in vain.  I know that her faith, courage and perseverance were special and I count myself blessed to be her mom.  But even knowing all those truths will never take away the pain of losing her.

So I will live dangerously, but there will continue to be days that the pain is too much, the ache of missing her will tear me apart, and the desire to hear her, touch her and hold her will take me to my knees.  And that is right where I need to be....

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.