Summer, and my gaping wound....

It was incredibly hard to foresee how much this past week was going to hurt..  For me, it was the first official week of summer.  This time last year we were swimming and starting cycle twelve of Amanda's chemo treatment with incredibly high hopes.

Once again, another painful first and finding myself surprised at how long a year ago feels.

This week, a year ago:

This was her dancing in the kitchen with Ginger after she took her last chemo pill.

At my niece's graduation.

Start of chemo cycle twelve!

A visit from some cousins to welcome her home and celebrate the start of her last treatment!

A puppy - who doesn't love a visit from a puppy?

As this week hit me hard, I found myself returning to my last blog and really considering all that I said.  As I thought about the wound, and how slowly a deep, painful wound heals....another thought hit me.  We've all seen those wounds that were ignored, not properly cared for and because of that they scar over in a not so aesthetic way.  All the while, the wound takes an extreme amount of time to heal because of improper care.  No matter how painful it is, it is incredibly important to make sure wounds are scoured clean of any debris or necrotic tissue that could cause infection.  The wound must also be kept covered and medicated to keep it moist so it can take the time to slowly heal, at it's own pace, allowing a neat and clean closure.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

And it hit me.  That's me, to a certain degree.

• This wound, this pain is so deep, I have to be cautious to not allow it to heal with an ugly scar.  I must also allow it the time and care it requires in order to properly heal.

For if I don't, it will come back time and time again with a need for scrubbing and bleeding as I clean out the all the pent up pain I haven't faced.

• I must baby it, carefully keeping it covered and moist to allow proper healing. 

In my case, that means staying deep in the Word, solid footing on my foundation, and surrounded by people who love me and are willing to face this life long journey with me.  I must protect myself from certain situations that I know will cause undo pain,  When I absolutely must face something, I must be sure to be covered with prayer and sustained by caring, strong people that will keep me protected as I crawl my way through the pain.

Oh how I love how the scriptures continue to speak to you days after something hits you so profoundly.  Areas are constantly being brought into the light that I must deal with, confess, and move forward, leaving any baggage behind and trusting God's future for me.

As we approach these last months leading up to the anniversary of Amanda's death, the pain is so incredibly raw it is painful to even think about.  All that we did, and all that Amanda worked so hard at being a part of are sweet memories, yet now I see them in a different light.  The signs that we thought were merely weakness from chemo was actually the tumor impacting all that she did.  That fact alone - the fact that I missed it even though it was so blatantly in front of me; can completely shatter me if I dwell on it.

So I don't.  The moment those thoughts begin to surface, I battle back against it with hope and truth.

Psalm 91:1-4

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

And then, and only then, do I find refuge and peace.  I'll be honest, it doesn't always come right away, it may take minutes, hours, even days - but praise God, it does come.  

So no matter the anxieties and hurts ahead of me these next few months, I'll keep the battle going. 

To quote one of my dearest friends that likes to remind me how big my God is,  (who happens to quote Veggie Tales, but hey, she is a kindergarten teacher. I love the simplicity...), "God is bigger than the boogeyman...."  

And some days, that's all the reminder I need to get my focus back where it should be.  Isn't life a strange thing....