Today marks two years....

I'm not going to lie.  I've had some very tearful days recently.  While I've tried to contain them, sometimes it's just better to let the tears fall.  The weight of fighting off the grief is exhausting.  It's during those times that I dig deep and focus on memories of Amanda while falling back on scriptures that remind me that I serve a faithful, loving and sovereign God.

2 Corinthians 4:18

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Before I begin this story - let me start by saying that other than being sore, my dad seems to be doing fine. Thursday, Dad fell off a ladder and was taken by ambulance to a local hospital for CT scans. He fell 10 to 15 feet off a ladder and managed to hit a few walls and a table on the way down.  Even though we already had the preliminary reports back from the scans that everything was okay, as I sat in the ER holding his hand, looking at him with the neck brace on and waiting for the official report from the doctor, the panic and helpless feelings from the past two years were washing over me like tidal waves.  It's hard to reign in your thoughts when your emotions are getting the better of you.  And even though Daddy walked out of the ER and even made it to Brandon's basketball tournament, the emotional toll from that afternoon hit me hard.

Today is two years since we walked into the ER at Dell Children's Hospital in Austin with Amanda.  So much has happened in the past two years: waiting and wondering for MRI results and lab work to come back; surgery, therapy, radiation and chemotherapy; fundraisers and trips that blessed our family, not because of the events themselves but because of the love behind them; prayers begging God for the deep desires of my heart to be granted all the while soaking up every moment as a family and praying that God would burn those memories deep in my mind. 

Two years of seeing the body of Christ move in ways I have never seen nor experienced before; two years of being ministered to and loved on by friends and family as we walked this journey together; two years of seeing the faith of those around us strengthened by what God was doing in Amanda's life; two years of seeing my family's faith burn bright as we took hold of the truth of God's word and praised God no matter what our days held. 

And in those last days, choosing to proclaim that God is faithful and good even as we realized that our fight against cancer was a losing battle and Amanda's time on this earth with us was short.

I am always amazed at not only how Amanda continues to impact people, but that people are still contacting and sharing those stories with us.  The sharing of those stories brings comfort to my hurting heart.  For instance, we released balloons for Amanda's birthday.  That was September and in January, the following was posted:

Hello Mrs. Watson. When walking my dogs on my property in Liberty Hill this afternoon, I came across a happy birthday balloon for your beautiful daughter. I was touched by Amanda's story, and I am very sorry for your loss. I am a freshman at Texas A&M and am an aspiring nurse. I have had this dream of going into medicine since junior high, and hopefully someday, I will be able to help care for children like Amanda. I pray nothing but blessings upon you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your story. Respectfully, Katy Warner 

Encouragement from someone that found one of Amanda's birthday balloons...another life touched. 

So even though these past two years have been painful and heartbreaking they have also been full of joy and good memories.  I am confident that one day I will reach the point that these past two years of pain will not overshadow the beautiful years we had Amanda.  For now, the pain is still strong and near the surface.  I am okay with that because she is worth it - all of it.

I hope that for the rest of my life, the years Amanda spent on this earth will continue to touch people, but most of all, that her life would radiate the grace and hope in our Lord and strengthen the faith of a generation. 

Faithful - Steven Curtis Chapman

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.
God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.

In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!

Lamentations 3:21-23

Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Part one of my Wrecked Plans..

I've mentioned it and put it off for so long, I'm afraid that either you are going to be let down from today's post, or think that I need to redefine my definition of "wrecking my plans."  But here goes.  Grab a cup of coffee and get comfy, it's long!

Earlier this month I attended a women's conference in Austin and I shared that I came face to face with God's purpose and plan for my life and that it is much simpler than I have been making it.

As a side note, let me start by saying I love women's ministry.  That love began when we were still at Lawler and I started leading a ladies bible study.  Something about being in front of a room of women, each with our own story and gifts, but all of coming together to learn more about ourselves and God's word just touches me.  I also like speaking in front of people so I enjoyed that ministry tremendously.

Okay, so back to my weekend.....

Over the 17 months Amanda battled cancer, we shared her story on this blog and we will never know this side of heaven the full impact it has had.  It has been, in itself, a wonderful outlet for me.  I have learned that not only can I write, but that it is amazing therapy for me.  I share it all: the messy, the painful, the lows and highs, the joys and triumphs.  And through it all, I share my faith and how God has carried me through it all.

During those 17 months, I also knew that God was going to use Amanda's story in a ministry setting - somehow, someway.  Whether by book or speaking, I was confident that God would open doors and I knew the possibilities were endless of how God could use our story.  I also knew in His time, He would make it happen.

When I went back to work, it took my mind off of pursuing any type of ministry other than showing people that you can get up and get through each day, putting one foot in front of the other in the midst of life's storms.  God is good and life is messy.

Not long after, a few things happened that made me excited and I started thinking that it was possibly time to begin sharing Amanda's story in a variety of settings. Don't tell anyone, but I even wrote a book proposal and sent it off.

Then things stalled and I heard nothing for months.  The IF conference was, in my mind, the ability to connect with other women and I was hopeful it would somehow help spark this new journey in ministry.   We sat front and center that weekend, and I soaked up the worship like a sponge.  I LOVE worshiping through music and I emptied myself of everything else but focusing on what God might have in store for me and completely drowning myself in His presence.  Not surprising, God had other lessons for me to learn that weekend that had nothing to do with starting a new ministry.   Instead, it was all about what my purpose at this moment should be about.

Session one with Jennie Allen was "A Call to Believe."  We started in Numbers 13:27. (Quick recap, this is the story in Numbers where Moses sends 12 spies into Canaan, the land that God has promised to the people of Israel, the Promised Land. They were to see whether the people were strong or weak, few or many and whether the land was good or bad.)  Numbers 13:27: They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit."  The fruit they are talking about was mentioned in verses 23 and 24:  "When they reached the Valley of Eshcol,they cut off a branch bearing a single cluster of grapes. Two of them carried it on a pole between them, along with some pomegranates and figs. That place was called the Valley of Eshcol because of the cluster of grapes the Israelites cut off there."

Umm, excuse me? We started with a scripture passage stating there are grapes in the Promised Land.  The connection between that and what Amanda shared with us the day she died left me breathless.  As she was leaving this sinful, painful earth and going to our promised land in Heaven - she told us she saw grapes everywhere.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I couldn't believe that was how the conference was starting.  Breathless and heart racing, I knew this was going to be an amazing weekend.  I also realized it would be full of dealing with painful loss and hopeful promises.  In other words.....messy.

Jennie said "This story is not about us" and once again, I found myself humbled beyond belief.  This whole worrying and stressing about how, when and if the "sharing of our story" would happen had me all wound up.  I had been letting myself get wrapped up in it and it had started to consume me. I was anxious to share Amanda's story but didn't know where to begin.  Her life, from the moment she was conceived, was specifically made for this journey, and oh, how much He taught us in her eleven years.   The lessons, the comfort, the grief and grace - it is so rich and full of God's truth, how could we NOT share what we have experienced?  But here is the thing - Her life is HIS story. 

And just like that, the weighted cloak of expectation and anxiety I had begun putting on myself each day was lifted as the reality hit me that I needed to let go and surrender.  This story is not about us, it's about Him.
 

"The story of faith destroys the story of sight." Jennie Allen

 Jennie's talk was just the beginning.  So many amazing women stood on that stage and shared from the word of God and each one was adamant that this was not about them, but all about God and His plan and purpose for our generation.  I loved that.

Over those two days, I had an amazing, refreshing, honest time with God.  No limits, no expectations, no boundaries.   I shared my story with strangers from all over this country as we sat at the table and answered provided questions regarding our lives and our faith.  I cried until I thought I might flood the place, and I rejoiced until I thought that my heart would burst.  I raised my hands in praise and worship and got on my knees in prayer and repentance.

I walked away from that weekend with a fresh purpose and outlook.  First, God wants me to be the best mom and wife that I can be to my two "boys."  We only have Brandon for five more years, Lord willing, and that time will fly by.  I need to be the mom and wife God has called me to be.  Second, I need to be the best employee that I can be at Grace.  Easier said than done for me (breakdowns and tears are almost daily events).  I am incredibly blessed to be working in the middle of amazing people who surround me (both literally and figuratively!) with love and support as we walk this painful path of grief - God has placed me there for a purpose.  And last but not least, Amanda's story is HIS story and I simply need to continue serving Him right where I am.  When/if it is time to do something more, things will happen.  God wants me to be obedient each day and if doors are meant to open, He will open the doors.  Or, His plan could simply be for me to stay right here, in my place, and continue to walk out each day, praising Him in everything we do and touching lives of those we come in contact with. 

But no matter what the journey ahead holds - I want to live a life that glorifies Him.

God's timing for that weekend was perfect.  It came at a point when my heart was raw and full of pain as the past two years collide this month with heartrendingly different outcomes.  

Even after all that, I still have more to tell about those two days. I met Bob and Marie Goff in a very unique and ridiculously fun way (there will be a video with that story!) and my Grace peeps will appreciate this: we ended the conference with a Rock Ceremony of sorts.  Beautifully breathtaking.

So let's call this "Part One of my Wrecked Plans" 'cause there is still good stuff to unpack and share. 

When you have walked through the fire and the flood and you can still claim that God is good - there is much to share. 

"Faith doesn't erase doubt, insecurity or fear - it overcomes it." Jen Hatmaker

My dear friend and sister, Lisa.  We were ready for the weekend to start!

The IF:Gathering team, led by Jennie Allen

Amazing worship led by Christy Nockels

Jen Hatmaker - can I say, you feel like you are just chatting with one of your girlfriends when you listen to this woman.  She keeps it real.

Luke 1:45

^"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”

Meet Me In Montana

I'm on a roll.....here is anther video full of wonderful memories made with our girl.

Meet Me In Montana

The past came rushing painfully back...

I was hoping to start sharing how the two days at the IF conference changed my life, but my emotions have slightly derailed me. I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, and when I wrote the date on some paperwork, everything simply can to a halt. I lost it.

My mind started putting together pieces from this time last year and the year before and once again, the reality Amanda's death sucker punched me.  How can it be that we are approaching the two year mark of her being diagnosed with brain cancer?

Not only that, but how can it be that just one year ago we thought we had the cancer beat?  We had received amazing news with her latest MRI, registered her for fifth grade and I was actually allowing myself to start to look beyond each day and plan.

Two years.  Two years of ups and downs, prayers and praises, joy and tears.

Honestly, these next two weeks are going to be challenging for me.  Memories of the trials and challenges, our hopes and fears, all began in late February.  With Tom's schedule, we have learned that dates are simply days on the calendar.  It is not the date that is important, but the day.  My mind knows that, but this time of year will always be burned in my memory and the dates will be there, making an impact.

Here is a recap from last year, February 23, 2014:
I told Amanda last week that her life may be known by her experience with cancer, but her life will not be defined by it.  Thank you for bringing that statement to life by the way you have blessed our family in so many ways.  We have experienced much and been blessed even more.

So as I look back and praise God at how far we have come, I hope that you can see that our blog has become a prayer journal.  We asked, and I will admit at times I begged, God to answer our prayers, and through his mercy, he did.  May God receive all the glory.

In those weeks that lead up to our decision to take Amanda to Dell, it was amazing at how quickly we saw the physical changes on her left side. 

• In early to mid February, Amanda's walk started changing.  She was swinging her left leg out when she walked and then later she started carrying her left arm at an angle.
• One Friday, Thomas went on a field trip and spent the day observing her and he knew something wasn't right.  I made an appointment with our family doctor for that next Monday, February 25.  
• On Saturday, she was practicing her piano and had trouble playing her bass clef chords because her left hand wasn't strong enough to make the stretch to play them.
• Monday, we saw our family physician.  Blood tests came back good, but there was a definite weakness on her left side.  We scheduled an appointment to see a neurologist, but the first available was in April.  Our doctor was on the phone Tuesday trying to get us in as soon as possible.
• Tuesday, Tom was at work.  Amanda tripped and fell numerous times at school that day.  Tom and I, with our doctor's encouragement, made the decision to take her to Dell the next morning when Thomas came home.  That evening, as the kids and I walked out of a restaurant, she was holding a soda bottle in her left hand and said that it was too heavy for her to hold and she was about to drop it.  
• By the time she woke up Wednesday morning, she could not use her left arm.  When we arrived at Dell Children's Hospital Emergency Room in Austin, we were back in a room within ten minutes, saw a doctor who then immediately went to speak to a neurologist.  The day was long and Amanda went through many exams - "touch your nose then touch my finger," "raise your arms" and "squeeze my fingers." After an early afternoon attempt to do an MRI while awake (she couldn't sit still in noisy machine for two hours!), a little after 6:00 p.m. she was taken back for an MRI with sedation.  It was late that night that we were told we were being admitted.  That is when we learned she had a mass at the base of her brain and would most likely require surgery the next day.

Written Feb 28, 2013 9:03pm

Last night, we found out that the MRI showed a mass at the base of her brain and that it would most likely require surgery.  After a sleepless night, we began a long day two.  While it started with us thinking we would possibly send her to surgery, we learned that would not happen today, but was still a possibility.  We met with the team that would be working with Amanda and reviewed the MRI.  While there are several options of how to treat the tumor, the best option at this point is to go in and see if it can all be removed, or if only a portion should be removed to determine exactly what we are dealing with.  Once they have tissue samples, they will send it off to Pathology, but that will take a few days (next week) before we find out anything solid in regards to exactly what we are dealing with.  So we are looking to tomorrow with hopes for a miracle - that God would pour out his mercy upon Amanda and that she will be healed.  Her recovery will be swift and that through each day, He will be glorified by our lives.  Thank you for your prayers tomorrow for both the medical team and for our family.  

I also said this last year:

So as we enter this week, I know that I will be reliving those days and moments leading up to her hospital stay and all that followed; not because I am consumed by the past, but rather because I am overwhelmed by the goodness and love of our God.  Amanda's life is a living testimony and I am so honored to be a small part of it.

And that is still true today.  Even though I find myself typing this two years from her initial diagnosis with her no longer here with us, she continues to inspire and touch lives.  God is still good.  God answered prayers and has been merciful and gracious to our family.  And He affirmed our faith the day she died by allowing her to see and share a glimpse of Heaven with us.   She was comforting us. 

Through these two years our family's faith has grown.  God is more real to me now than ever before.  God has allowed us to use our trials in ways that I never dreamed possible.  This is not a place that I would have ever dreamed we would be in.  But I do know this without a doubt: there is hope in the heartache and purpose in the pain. And we will always give God the glory for her life and any impact she made during her almost 11 years on this earth.

While I feel that this past month God has really clarified certain areas of my life, which I promise I will share in the next few days, the grief that I find myself facing can't be ignored.  (I believe "wrecked my plans" is how I described it)  I can't bypass it, I can't stuff it away or ignore it and I can't pretend like it's not there.  She is worth every tear and heartache that her absence causes. I will walk through it, but praise God, I do not walk it alone.

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.

So in case you see more tears than usual, please know that I am doing okay.

What a journey we have been on and what a journey we still have before us.

Sovereign Over Us by Michael W. Smith

There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And You meet us in our mourning

With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting

You're sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding

You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined

Who could understand Your ways

Reigning high above the Heavens

Reaching down in endless grace

You're the lifter of the lowly

Compassionate and kind

You surround and You uphold me

And Your promises are my delight

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means for evil

You turn it for our good

You turn it for our good and for Your glory

Even in the valley, You are faithful

You're working for our good

You're working for our good and for Your glory

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You're faithful forever

Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

2013

2014

She wanted to own a ranch, be a small and large animal vet and a barrel racer....

Thanks to the Lisa Nichols and her family, Amanda had an evening of running barrels at Ribbit Ranch.  (Trotting barrels is more accurate.  She loved it!)  (And I LOVE this picture!)

Proverbs 16:3

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.

My mind is swirling....but I finallly get to share the slideshow!

Gracious.  I have so much to share!  Look out, I may be going back to my early days of blogging and post more often.  Seriously - I don't even know where to begin.  So as I begin unpacking (both literally and figuratively) these past two weeks, I'll start with something that was incredibly close to Amanda's heart, ROCK.

The Dance Gallery had their benefit concert on behalf of ROCK this past Friday, February 13, and from everything I heard - it was a spectacular evening.  Thomas, Brandon and I were down in Uvalde with our Double AA Ranch family for the weekend so we were unable to attend.  My niece, Sandra Jo, spoke on behalf of the family and she did wonderful.  I am so proud of her! Not only did she get up and speak in front of a large crowd (always a little unnerving) but she also spoke about Amanda.  Double whammy.

The benefit began with a performance then Sandra speaking, followed by the slideshow of "Amanda's Story" that I made.  Both can be seen by clicking here.  When making the video of Amanda at ROCK, I had so many pictures to go through (we are talking hundreds of pictures, all of which I am incredibly thankful for) and though it was agonizing and heartbreaking at times, I could smile through the tears as I journeyed back through her time at ROCK and the absolute joy she found there.  Raw honesty here - I watch this video daily, usually more than once.  It is a beautiful reminder to me that despite cancer's attack on her body, Amanda's last 17 months were good months, overflowing with love and happiness.  I love to see her smile.  God continued to richly bless her life through her trials, and Amanda knew it.  What mom could ask for more?

After hearing Sandra's speech, it made me remember Amanda's phone!  This is her wallpaper - Romeo's eye.  Amanda loved the eyes of a horse....

Anytime you asked Amanda how she was feeling, and you know I did that a lot, she would always respond with something like this "I'm on a horse - I'm fine!"or "I just got off a horse - I'm fine!" Towards the end, as the tumor started to come back, her emotional state was still that mindset, but you could tell physically she would struggle.  However, simply being in the presence of a horse could always cheer her up.

As I was sitting around the campfire Friday night with my Double AA family, my heart was in two places. From the beginning of our journey with Amanda's cancer, the outpouring of love was amazing, and even though it is approaching the two year mark of her original diagnosis, that outpouring has not stopped.  God is so good.

My Friday night at the ranch.  Blessed and happy.

This is a fun story to share.  A few weeks back, my nephew showed me his varsity baseball helmet:

I love it! AW.  Never forgotten and still incredibly loved.

Then as we were eating dinner one night this weekend, Brandon noticed that the upside down Double AA logo was another AW!  For me, it's those small things that come out of nowhere that make me smile and are beautiful reminders of Amanda. 

As I've mentioned before, there is something about the ranch that is incredibly healing and peaceful for me.  It was one year ago over Valentine's Day weekend that we were there with Amanda, celebrating and overjoyed that her latest the MRI showed no active tumor and thinking we were beating this cancer.  Going back one year later without her, while painful, still was wonderful therapy for me.  The entire Archer family simply envelops us in their love and makes us feel like family and that is incredibly healing. Even more healing, is that they loved Amanda, despite spending one short weekend with her.  After our visit for a youth hunt at the Double AA last month, I shared in that post pictures from that weekend we went with Amanda.  Beautiful memories.

Another incredibly special celebration was the daughter of Jason and Jessica Reeves getting baptized.  We were not able to make the service, but had a special gift for Hadley in celebration of this important step of faith.  It was a pair of butterfly earrings and they symbolize enduring hope and new life.  A very fitting gift for a new journey in faith.  I told her that, yes, the most amazing part is that she will spend all of eternity with our Almighty Creator, but I was also thrilled because it also meant that she too will one day see Amanda again. 

Okay, so this post went a little longer than I intended, so I will stop here.  But I look forward to begin sharing how in two days, God completely wrecked my "plans" and reminded me of my purpose.

Oh yeah.  Time to dig deep and be painfully honest with how God spoke to me that weekend and how I need to be living through this pain.....and how He has already showed me glimpses of how I can do that in my daily life.

 Romans 8:35-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

How two days changed my outlook.....but first, a reminder...

This weekend I spent two days with a friend and 2000 sisters in Christ in a deep, relentless, powerful time of worship at the IF:Austin conference at the Moody Theater in downtown Austin.  What is IF?  If you go to their website, it says this:

We exist to gather, equip and unleash the next generation of women to live out their purpose.

Our 2-day gathering each year brings together women from all over the world to humbly seek God and to equip them to better live out their callings. We seek to model, resource, & empower women so that they create fresh, honest spaces in their local contexts to wrestle with essential questions of faith like: IF God is real… THEN what?

Amazing.  I have so much to share about those two days.  I loved every moment of the honest, raw outpouring of worship and coming face to face with God's purpose and plan for my life.  Friends, that purpose is much simpler than I have been making it, and man, am I excited!
So many beautiful things to share.....

So as I spend the next few days continuing to unpack the magnitude of this weekend and the impact it had on my life, I wanted to send out a quick reminder on behalf of the Dance Gallery's annual benefit concert benefiting ROCK.  ROCK will receive 100% of the proceeds!  My niece will be speaking on behalf of ROCK and our family followed by a short slideshow sharing Amanda's ROCK story.  Thomas, Brandon and I are unable to attend due to prior commitments, but we are incredibly touched how Amanda's life continues to make an impact more than we know.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

 

This pain has meaning....

Grief makes no sense. 

Your life as you know it gets turned upside down, shatters, yet the world keeps going and somehow, so must you.  You pass by people and they have no idea of the grief or pain that you are carrying with you.

Grief is not something that you always see on the outside.  It is often a heaviness that you carry on the inside.  Whether you learn to put it on a shelf and complete your task or it hangs heavy over you like a cloak - it is ever present and demands and drains your energy.  At times you don't feel like you have anything left to give.  Over and over I'm told it will get easier, the pain will lessen and the joy will come quicker.  I look forward to that day.  For now, I hold tight to those moments of joy and laughter, but I allow myself to grieve as I need to.

Psalm 18:1-2
I love you, O Lord, my strength^. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

As we approach the six month mark,  I can't help but look back to a year ago, close my eyes and transport myself back to those days that we were fighting the battle and we thought we were winning. 

A few comments from the blog last year:
Feb. 2:
So as we complete cycle eight, we now have only four more cycles to go.  I am still just in awe over this week's MRI results.  What an amazing answer to prayer!  As I mentioned in my last post, I still feel like we are in the trenches, and with how Amanda is currently feeling, today is a great example of that.  It is a stark reminder that we are still living through the process. 
That's okay though.  It's hard to put into words, but it is almost like there is a weight that has lifted.  We will, however, continue to live as we have been the past eleven months.  We will continue to trust that God is sovereign and His way is best.  We will enjoy and fully live in each moment, not taking anything for granted.  Through every step in our journey, we will continue to try to live our lives to glorify God.  Please keep the prayers coming!

Doing a little "YMCA" to help warm up.....and exercise at the same time.  :)

Feb. 5:
While I know that we have not quiet reached our mountaintop, we have come so far and seen God do so much both in and through Amanda's life.  My prayer continues to be that we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of what He has in store for her.

1 Chronicles 29:11
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.
 
It surprises me that I still find myself thinking that this can't be real....my girl can't really be gone.  Some days are more of a battle than others.  I have to admit in a strange way that I find comfort in that.  I find comfort knowing that when I push against the mercies of God and I'm hurting, He simply draws me closer to Him.  He doesn't mind my brokenness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
 
God's grace and hope pours out on me daily as I continue to walk this unknown and painful path before us.  I strive to find joy in each day.  It never ceases to humble me beyond words how God provides exactly what I need for each moment and yet, at the same time, He is using this pain for His glory. 

2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

Even though I've shared this before, it is something that I need to constantly be reminded of: 
this pain has meaning...

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

"That is what I mean by saying every moment of your affliction is meaningful. It has meaning. It is doing something. Causing something. Bringing about something glorious. You can’t see this. The world can’t see this. They think, and you are tempted to think, this suffering is meaningless. It’s not doing anything good. I can’t see any good coming out of this. That’s what you feel if you focus on the seen.
To which Paul responds, look to the things that are unseen. The promise of God. Nothing in your pain is meaningless. It is all preparing. Working something. Producing something — a weight of glory, a special glory for you. Just for you because of that pain."~John Piper