Thanksgiving and the trapeze

Last week with family was bittersweet.  We always enjoy time with family, but being together without Amanda just felt "off."  I don't know how else to explain it.  I will always be aware of her absence, but I also know that one day it won't feel so big and painful and obvious, but for now, it feels like the giant, never-ending black hole.

What I appreciated was being reminded that my life is full of blessings.  The pain is still raw, it is still there and very present, but I have much to be thankful for.   Each day will have its struggles and pain, but no matter how hard it is, at the end of the day, I know that I can look back and be grateful for my life.

I almost want to let out a sigh of relief that I made it through the first holiday without Amanda and am still standing.  There is a sense of great accomplishment of that for me.  Sounds funny, but it reminds me of when Amanda and I took a trapeze class together.  I am crazy scared of heights.  At the time, she was really into the whole circus world, thanks to Madagascar 3, so I thought she would get a kick out of a trapeze class.  Turns out, she also was afraid of heights.....but I think it was a result of hearing about my fear for her entire life.  Anyway, we went to the class and I was able to shut out my fear and complete the trick that was taught to all of the first-timers.  (Believe it or not, there are people who actually go on a regular basis and learn all sorts of trapeze acts. Seriously.)  After the class was over, I was on an adrenaline high and felt like I had just accomplished something great.

Coming out of last week, I am emotionally drained, but much like I did after my trapeze class, I feel like I have faced a fear and won.  It was an accomplishment for me.  Another first painfully faced, but thankfully behind me. 

Some pictures to go with my trip down memory lane:

That's me! And yes, the trapeze guy grabbed my arms and I let go of my swing.

The crazy, I mean brave trapeze performers and teachers.

As we approach the four month mark this week, I still find myself surprised by the direction our lives have taken....and wondering how long will it take to fully sink in.  It is times like this I am extremely thankful for God's never ending mercy and grace. 

Hebrews 4:15-16
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.