Tomorrow is the day.....

I can’t believe how fast this week has gone by.  I was dreading this week and that it would drag on and on, with Saturday looming in front of us.  However, the details and projects that needed to be completed before Saturday caused it to go by entirely too quickly and I find myself reeling.

Tomorrow is the day we celebrate Amanda’s life.  Her life touched more people in the short ten, almost eleven years we were given than I will ever know this side of heaven. 

Our prayer is that we will celebrate it well and give glory to God for the blessing of having her for the short time we did.  

Working on my 'Beautifully Heartbreaking' project....

We have spent the past two days at the river.  It was intended to be a getaway, and while it was, I worked the entire time on the slideshow for Amanda’s memorial service.   

I have started referring to it as my 'Beautifully Heartbreaking' project.   Being away from the house with no demands on my time was a good thing.  The flow of emotions continues to be exhausting.  The memories are beautiful, painful, joyful and heartbreaking.  And each picture or video was full of memories that took me on that ride.   Thankfully there was a beautiful river, a couple of four wheelers and my two boys.  We would take time to go sit in the water rapids and just be together.  I would let the beauty of God’s creation wash away the heartbreak and sooth my mind.  Then it was back to my project. 

If you have followed the blog at all, you know how much I love pictures.  I am pouring my heartbreak and sorrow into this slideshow.  To tell the story of her life through pictures is an impossible task, but my hope is that if you are there Saturday, you will walk away with a better understanding of what an amazing and blessed ten, almost eleven, years God gave to us through Amanda’s life.

Our week will continue with meetings with the various parties involved in the service on Saturday.  Wednesday we will make a trip to Dell to pick up a CD of pictures they have of Amanda.  Her photo was used in some promotional material and they are giving us all the pictures they took that day.  This will be a very emotional trip for me.  Our Dell team is amazing, and I am still so very thankful for all they did for Amanda.   

The fact that this all happened so suddenly is not lost on anyone.  I feel like we all are still trying to catch our breath and actually accept the reality of it all.   As I sit and type this, it has been six days; only six days and yet it feels like six years.  I miss her so much.

Please keep us in your prayer as Amanda’s memorial service gets closer.  It is that 'big event' in my future that has put life on hold for me.  I am still living each day moment by moment, but now it is crippled with the giant emptiness that she has left.   By the end of the day I am so proud of myself for making it through the day until I realize that tomorrow, it will begin all over again.   Who knew a body could produce so many tears?  

Doubly thankful for new mercies each day….

Lamentations 3:21-24 

 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,“therefore I will hope in him.”

Today's family burial service for Amanda

It's amazing to me that your body can function on a level that keeps you moving throughout the day, yet inside you question how you will take each breath and each next step.  That is where I often find myself.  It's not always that way, but when it hits - it overwhelms.

Today, we had our private burial service for Amanda.  Saying goodbye was already done the day she left us.  While this was a necessary step that we had to take, it was still a brutally painful step.

It was a simple service, with only immediate family present and we all wore our Team Watson shirts.  Even though we have two pastors in our family, we asked a close family friend to officiate since the pain is still so devastatingly raw.   It was a service of memories shared and truths from the word of God that left us comforted and encouraged to run our race with endurance just as Amanda had.  If you have been following our blog, you might remember on the day we found out that the tumor was growing, we heard Amanda whistling "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", so that was one of the hymns we sang.  We closed with "When We All Get to Heaven."  It was a beautiful time together.

We had some special adopted members of our family, there as well - Romeo and our team from ROCK!  At the end of the service, Sandra Jo and Ryan tacked Romeo in the western saddle that Amanda rode.   With Ms. Judy and Ms. Kristin as side walkers, they brought Romeo over to the family so we could give him the personalized halter Amanda had bought him. That was one of Amanda's last wishes, was that Romeo got his halter.  In the past week or so, she never had the strength to make it over to ROCK to personally give it to him.  I think Amanda would have really enjoyed today's presentation.
 
Each family member took a rose and placed it on her casket at the conclusion of the service.  The colors of the roses were chosen by Amanda a few weeks ago in a conversation she had with Tom.  She was very specific with what she wanted, and looking back, I am incredibly thankful for those difficult conversations. 

I simply can not put into words what it feels like sitting in front of your child's casket.  As Christians, we know that her physical body is what the bible calls her earthly temple.  As soon as she took her last breath on Wednesday afternoon, our Amanda, the one we all knew: the beautiful, smart, courageous and strong girl; was in heaven.  She was running, swimming and playing with more spunk than she ever had here on earth.

That grave does not mark where my Amanda is.  It merely pays honor to a life well lived. 

Our team tacking Romeo, just as Amanda had helped with so many times.

Just as they did for Amanda, Judy and Kristin side walked Romeo with Sandra and Ryan leading him.

Romeo finally getting his new, personalized halter from Amanda.

We are blessed with a family that supports, loves and encourages us during the hardest times.

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

1. What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms;
   What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.
   • Refrain:
     Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
     Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
2. Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms;
   Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.
3. What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms?
   I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
   Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Sandra and I putting the halter on Amanda's Romeo.

Amanda's Memorial Service information

We will celebrate the life of our daughter next Saturday, August 16, 9:00 a.m. at Crestview Baptist Church in Georgetown.   This will be a time of rejoicing, praising and honoring God for the gift of who she was and how she has impacted not only our family, but so many other lives.

1 Peter 1:6-7
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

The news I never wanted to post....

Even as I type this, my mind and heart is still having a hard time accepting our day.  Today, our prayers for Amanda to be healed were answered.  Today, Amanda went home to heaven.

Over the past few days, it was heavy on my heart to pray that God would be merciful, take her to her heavenly home and not let her suffer long here on earth.  He answered my prayers, and he answered them quickly. 

Please pray for our family as we find ourselves in the days to come unexpectedly planning to say, not "good-bye", but "see you later, alligator" to our beautiful daughter. 

My sister-in-law posted the blog below recently and it spoke to me so strongly when she wrote it and then it came rushing back to me today.  After deciding to share her post in lieu of trying to write something, a sweet family dropped off a beautiful plaque with same scripture reference.  No coincidence in my mind.

Oh, that tonight my heartbroken soul can find the ability to be still and truly feel God's presence and peace.

When Oceans Quake and Mountains Fall: Be Still

By Lindsey Watson

The other day I turned on my audio Bible (aka the YouVersion app) to play through some Psalms while I puttered around the kitchen.  I’ll be honest: I rarely do this.  I’m a terrible auditory learner and I just don’t get that much out of listening to anything more complicated than a familiar YA story.  But this day, I tried it, and sure enough, out of the thirty or so Psalms that played in my presence, one jumped out into my ears.

If you’ve ever walked through the art section at LifeWay, browsed inspirational Bible quotes on Pinterest, you’ve read Psalm 46: 10: “Be still and know that I am God.”  It’s usually superimposed over a beautiful and tranquil nature scene like a calm mountain lake or a beach sunset.  But the reason I had set the noisy dishes down and was listening closely to verse 10 was because my attention had been jarred by the verses before:

We will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging…

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts…

Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.  He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire.

Now there’s a pin for you: how about the “Be still” verse on top of an image of wild seas, raging fires, and post-war desolation?  And yet– there is something strangely comforting about the juxtaposition of violence and peace that Psalm 46 contains.

Because it’s easy to feel spiritual and trusting when you’re sitting alone beside at a mountain lake.  I’ll be honest- I can bluff through those moments pretty effectively with or without much spiritual reflection.  But when everything I love and trust is collapsing? There’s no bluffing through that.  True, strong faith is developed by taking refuge in God in those moments when the world is melting all around.

This is is where it gets sticky– Psalm 46 makes it clear that God “brings the desolation” and “makes wars cease.” He’s the God of the raging wildfire and the tranquil beaches.  I remember struggling with this after Sam died:

This means that when I’m sad and missing Sam, I have to deal with the fact that the God I turn to for comfort is the same God who decided that Sam’s 34 weeks of life was long enough.

The image of God that’s resonated in my imagination lately is that of the Lion of Judah.  Lions are loud, and powerful, and scary.  No one runs toward the lion out on the Serengeti when they’re needing a little security and rest.

Of course, as C.S. Lewis famously said Aslan, “He is not safe, but he is good.”

But “good” in an eternal sense is not always comforting.  After all, when I “give up control” (ha, ha!) of my family, it means that I am laying down my loved ones in the paws of the Lion who has already seen fit to take one of them away.

But Psalm 46 holds a bit of an answer: when the fires burn and the destruction surrounds and death yawns in your face and you want to sink into fear and despair, Be still.  Know that I am God.  
Ultimately, this is comforting: when I’m at the end of my own energy and cleverness, when I’ve exhausted all of my money and information and social connections and the mountains are still falling into the heart of the sea, all is not lost.  I am to be still, to rest, even as the chaos reigns all around.  I remember that He is God, not me.

He will be exalted among the nations, and somehow, my suffering plays a role in that.
And even when I don’t understand how or why (or when, frankly, I don’t care, because I’d forfeit my role in the grand drama just to make the suffering go away), Psalm 46 ends in comfort:

The Lord Almighty is with us,
The God of Jacob is our fortress.

The ultimate picture of God With Us is Immanuel Himself, Jesus Christ, who suffered for me and who suffers with me.  In the midst of chaos, this is where I hide.

It doesn’t answer all of my questions, but it answers the one underneath all the rest: will I make it through this?

Yes.  By grace, yes.

When the darkness closes in.....

Well, Friday night was the best night we had in a long while.  While we were up every few hours for medication or she would wake up and ask me to rub her leg or arm, it was so much better than what we have been experiencing!  Night two (Saturday night) was not as smooth, so we will try to tweak things a little tonight to see if we can help her sleep better and be more comfortable. 

We meet with our hospice nurse tomorrow and we are scheduled to meet with Dr. Harrod on Wednesday.  We find that she is sleeping more during the day and she is pretty much confined to the bed at this point.  She is still very aware of what's going on and hasn't lost her personality at all, but she struggles with being comfortable for most of the day.

We got Amanda's hair cut today.  A sweet friend came to our house to cut Amanda's hair and even gave me a trim while she was at it. (So thankful for precious friends!!)  The cut is darling and will be much more comfortable for Amanda by getting her long hair off of her neck.

We also had the opportunity to spend time with family today.  It feels like each visit is more precious and I want time almost stop...

We are trying to get her out a little each day.  It gets more challenging each time, but since she loves to float (and we have started to take Ginger) it is worth the effort.

I have been overwhelmed (as I have been this entire time) with the love and support from friends and family.  Thank you for showing your love through gifts, messages of encouragement and most recently, the care calendar.  We are incredibly grateful.

This picture makes me laugh! Ginger does not look very thrilled at the moment.

Combing her hair was always a chore, and for some reason, the bald guy seemed to do a better job at it than mom.  Go figure!!

Amanda was such a trooper getting her hair cut.  Simply sitting up has become extremely challenging for her, but she was a champ.

A little floating to finish off the day.

The conversations are getting harder and harder, but praise God we are having them with her!  Getting Amanda to talk is extremely important but also extremely difficult.  I am incredibly thankful for Thomas and how he handles those moments with such patience, calmness and confidence. That seems to really help Amanda open up and be willing to share. These are moments and conversations I never imagined that we would experience, but know I will always treasure.

Thankful for each day- trials, tears and all.  

________________________________________________________

Sometimes the weight of our trials are so severe that we feel as if we can’t keep our heads above the water. The pain is so vicious, the malaise so thick, that we can’t imagine our situation ever changing. We can’t see healing. We can’t articulate hope. And when we try, it just hurts more. We’d rather not pray. We’d rather not open the eyes of our mind — not with all this destruction, not when it’s so dark.

 But Psalm 88 shows us how. 

Cloudy as this psalm seems, (and let me just say -this is a bleak, depressing and dreary Psalm, but this author's point hits the nail on the head for me, so hang with me.) we shouldn’t miss the most obvious point. Yes, the psalmist says his soul is full of troubles, that his life draws near to the grave, that he feels like a dead man, like one forgotten, that it seems as if God has isolated him in regions dark and deep, that he’s drowning, that he can’t escape, that his life is a horror, that he is cast down, unheard, afflicted, shunned — but he’s telling this all to God. (emphasis mine)



He is still speaking — from the pain, in the pain, through the pain. Even if by the faintest whispers, even if by the incoherent groans of a troubled soul, he looks to heaven and says, This is where I’m at, God. This is how dark it feels.
 
We can come to God like this. Hurting and broken, no matter what, we can still come. We can still come because — and we must remember — God isn’t afraid of the dark.
  
He walks that road with us. He prays those prayers with us. He fills us with his Spirit, and lifts our burdened souls by his grace. By his cross and victory, because he looked death in the eyes and came back to life three days later, Jesus holds us when it hurts.  

He leads us to worship in the dark.

~John Parnell, Desiring God

Life goes one....with the help from Hospice

What a tough few days these have been.  Wait, what a tough year and a half!  You always hear about those "roads less traveled" but for our family, this feels like there is a forest ahead with no path in sight.  We have no expectations, nor do the doctors really, to know what is coming in the days to ahead.

When I say that Amanda has not been sleeping, it has not been an exaggeration.  We have been pulling all-nighters and for the most part she is in discomfort and pain and not easy to console.  Finding a comfortable position is difficult and her left side has continued to weaken.  It has been a trying time.

Hospice has been working on finding medications that might help, but the past few nights, more like weeks, have not been pleasant.  There have been many tears shed and moments of simply feeling lost. Just like from day one, Amanda is super sensitive to medications, and this process has been no different.  It is finding the right balance of the correct medication and the proper dose for Amanda.   After our meeting with our  nurse today and consulting with our doctor, I think we might actually have a cocktail of medicine that is going to give us all some better sleep and make her more comfortable.

With better sleep, hopefully Amanda will physically and mentally start to feel better. I can't imagine how difficult this is for her - both emotionally and physically.  Middle of the night talks are some of the most raw and honest ones.  Ones that break your heart and make you wish for the thousandth time that you could trade places with her.

Hospice has been amazing.  If you request something, they are quick to get it to you.  They deliver things to the house and help set up if needed. I am just thankful that they are here as another layer of support for us. 

We got a hospital bed for her today, but we call it an adjustable bed.  That was a hard, but good, move.  We felt that if we went ahead and got it now, it would be her choice to use it, instead of the day that might come when she would have no choice and have to use it.  This afternoon she slept better in it during a nap and she likes the freedom it gives her for comfort and being able to have more movement by adjusting it.  What a huge praise!  As I realize that those will be the types of joys I look for as we walk through these upcoming days, I would like to think I am getting better with that reality...

So the journey continues.  We continue fight the fight and trust in God's plan for our family.  We will continue to pray for healing.  I will continue to have tears and moments where my heart breaks and I wonder how I will move forward.  And that's okay.

Psalm 56:4
When I am afraid; I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.